BJO’s 7th birthday
-
My eldest son just turned 7. As has been the tradition of our family, I
baked his birthday cake and prepared all the food for the party. It is
very tirin...
Thursday, September 29, 2011
You are just like your mother
I think that mothers have a very huge influence in our lives. I realize that one reason why I remained so bitter is because my mom is feeding me with a bit of bitterness regarding my issues. As much as I want to heal, her influence and my paranoia is a lethal combination that made me stay where I am at now. I want to move on and I hope I can and I hope she could move on too.
Friday, September 2, 2011
It may seem funny but that movie touched me
There was this movie shown on Cinema one with Aiko Melendez and Chinchin Gutierrez. I don't know what that movie is all about because I didn't really watch it. But, my daughter's nanny was watching it and I caught a few glimpse of it. Well, to give a bit of description, Chinchin's character there is very giving but she became very bitter and angry when everything started to crumble in her life. Aiko is her best friend who actually was the reason for all the bad luck in her life (at least that's how I saw it). Anyway, it's the line of Aiko that got me. She said that Chin2x loves others too much but she forgot to love herself first. Her happiness is based on other people and if they don't reach her expectations, she starts breaking down and get disappointed. She said that Chin2x has to love herself first in order to find true happiness and not base it on other people. That she loves others but she also expects something from them in return.
It kinda hit me because I somehow realized I am somewhat similar to Chin's character. I realized I love others more than I love myself and when they disappoint me I get hurt and it takes me awhile to recover. I expect others to fill my need for love when I should be the one to fill it for myself. I realized that if I start loving myself first, things won't affect me so much. People won't always be there for me and they won't always do things in my favor or will make me happy. If I am happy on my own, they don't need to do all those things and I'd still value them just as much. The lines of Aiko was really deep and I think I would remember that for a long time. I need to learn to love myself a lot more and I'm starting that now. I will say I love you to myself every day and I'll protect myself and care for myself just as how I would protect and care for others. It's a big realization for me indeed.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
New life... again
So, I'm back here in Laguna. Chose to move here despite the opposition from my parents who can't simply accept the fact that I am no longer a kid (:P) and I have no regrets. So far I'm quite happy here living with my husband and our baby girl. Our baby is growing so fast and I'm glad I can be with her every single day and see her grow. I am happy now though I know I am still wounded. Finally, I think, I really need to move on. As I think about what had happened in the past and what they have done to me, I realize that there's no point in me ruining my life and not enjoying what I have now. My friend was right, I have so many blessings already and I shouldn't ask God why He is blessing them even though He knows they deeply wounded me... destroyed me, in fact! But, life has to go on. I can choose to just think about what happened and not move forward and eventually regret the lost chances, or I can move on now and simply enjoy the life that I am already given. I now will choose the latter.
I know there will still be issues in the future and they will continue to try and hurt me or talk about me like I'm a big joke but I have no control over that. I guess I just have to let them be. It may take awhile for me to completely forgive them and rub elbows with them again (if ever that would still happen) but I will just move on now. I just have to think of my blessings. I am so thankful that we moved far from them too. Less contact with them, the better. I noticed before when I was still in Mandaluyong I was really happy and at peace with myself. When I returned home, I became so angry again... Anger is not a good feeling to feel and I kept that anger in my heart so I could protect myself from being hurt again. I tried to open up to them but they abused my trust... again! Oh, well. That's their problem now, not mine. But somehow I allowed them to be victorious over me because I kept myself distant and attacked people because I was angry. I no longer want to be angry.
Well, just want to post here again. It's been awhile since I last visited my blog. I do hope that the next blog posts would all be positive- no more hurts, anger and disappointments (fingers crossed). They've done enough. Now it's time to free myself. :)
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Preeclampsia got me
I was on my 33rd week of pregnancy when I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia. Actually, even on my 8th week of pregnancy, my doctor already thought I was in the danger zone because my diastolic was at 90 mmHg. I was on medication since the 8th week but we never really took it seriously as every time I ask my sister to check my blood pressure, it was always normal. It only turns 120/90 when I get to the doctor. I even blamed the doctor's assistant that she doesn't know how to read my blood pressure. hihi But, it's really a good thing that the doctor's assistant spotted 120/90 each time I visit them because the doctor already had a warning that I "may" end up with preeclampsia.
End of June or first week of July, I had a dream. I dreamt of my godmother who died last year. She was looking really pretty and she asked me how her daughter is now then she told me something that really shivered me to the bones. She said, "you and your baby won't make it to the finish line, please be very careful." I tried to ditch the idea that it was a warning from her, but when you dream of something like that and it's concerning the baby inside you, you really can't help but believe that it is true. I thank my godmother for that dream 'coz I became really careful with my pregnancy and little weird feelings I have, I consult and ask about it right away. And, if you know me personally, you'd know that's not something that I would normally do.
On my 33rd week, I first noticed white flashes. I was taking a bath when I suddenly saw flashing lights that was running like ants or spider web. I asked my sis about it but she said I may just be imagining it. So, I didn't really think much about it but I researched, unfortunately it never crossed my mind that it's about my pregnancy. The next day, my hands and feet ballooned. The next day I asked my sis to check my bp and there it was, around 140/90 and it didn't go down, just up. She asked me to stay on bed rest and prescribed me with medications to keep my bp down. That time, my bp was so stubborn, even with medication it kept on going up. That moment was the scariest moment for me, I was afraid because if it won't go down, they will induce me and the baby may not survive. Their main concern that time was for me to survive, and that may mean we need to sacrifice my baby. It was a painful thought... I tried to stay calm because I don't want to aggravate my situation and I prayed hard. I asked for more prayers from people who love me and I tried my best to remain calm. I also had injections for baby's lungs to mature, I think it was methadexone if I am not mistaken.
On my 34th week I had my first attack. I had difficulty breathing like there's water in my lungs. I guess I was already experiencing pulmonary edema that time. It took a few minutes before I went back to normal, but at that time my sister (a doctor) already wanted to admit me to a hospital. I was hesitant and asked for her to give me more time, if I won't get any better then I will accept my defeat. Thankfully, it went away.
At the end of my 35th week I had my second attack. That was the worst experience I've ever had. My face became numb, couldn't breathe well and I think my brain got short-circuited because it was telling me things that I know isn't normal. Like, it was dictating me that I should run around the house! I went to my sis and asked her to check my bp again (Oh, I forgot to add, I've been continually checking my bp every hour since the 33rd week using a digital BP monitor) and it peaked at 150/105. It isn't that high but I have low tolerance and it was already really high for me. My sister already asked me to think about having the cesarian already as what I experienced isn't normal and is already a sign that I am almost at the eclamptic stage, which can be fatal for me. I had no choice but to agree with her that I'd be scheduled for c-section but my soul was crushed. I thought about my baby, what would ever happen to her, will she make it? It was heart-breaking. I went to my doctor the next day and she told me the baby isn't ready yet and they will try to buy me more time for the baby to grow more. I agreed with her and she wanted to reach the 37th week which was a week away that time. My husband already flew in from Manila on that day but we didn't mind 'coz what we really wanted was what's best for baby.
36 weeks and 4 days I had another attack. My BP went even higher, I think around 155/110, and I had a really hard time breathing. It lasted over an hour, not like the previous attacks where I'd feel better just a few minutes after. This one lasted an hour. My sis was already really alarmed and laid down the cards on us. I asked my husband to decide since it's like a lose-lose situation for us. If I won't have the c-section right away, my condition could worsen and might end up with eclampsia and I can die from it and so will my baby. If I'll have the c-section there is no guarantee that she'd be perfectly fine though we are certain she'd be alive already since she's near term, but there's no guarantee if she would ever have complications or not. So, we chose the least problematic option and chose to have the c-section scheduled the next day.
At the hospital that afternoon, the doctor detected my heart rate wasn't normal. I don't know what else was going on but they scheduled me for the c-section at that moment. I had the NST test again for baby and thankfully she was doing just fine inside me and they brought me awhile later to the delivery room. There, I had another attack of sort. I am so thankful my sister was my anesthesiologist and she was talking to me the whole time and asked me to keep on praying and to stay as calm as possible. During the surgery I was talking to her and I was praying and singing praise songs. At one point, my face turned white and I almost fainted but she snapped me out of it. There were times when I was praying and singing in my head when my brain just stopped the prayer and the songs and my sis would remind me to relax and pray, as at that point my heart rate already went abnormally high. Of course I didn't know what was really going on, but I heard her say "doc, she's having an attack already." Awhile later I already felt them pulling the baby out of me and I heard my baby cry for the first time. It wasn't a dramatic moment for me, I didn't feel the attachment right away. I didn't even feel like she was my baby when she was brought to me and I kissed her. They had to bring her out right away though because they said it was too cold for baby. Though I didn't feel the attachment with her, I was thankful she looked safe... At least that's what I thought.
At the nursery, the doctors noticed something was terribly wrong... My baby couldn't breathe. They called up my sister and she left me in the delivery room not knowing what was going on. My sis was heartbroken when she saw my baby trying her best to breathe but couldn't breathe on her own. She saw my mom, sis and husband outside the nursery and she immediately closed the blinds so they couldn't see what was happening inside. She called my husband and told her they are doing their best but baby isn't breathing as what they had hoped for. And if she won't react to the CPAP (don't know if I got it right, it's like pressured oxygen) they would have to tube her with a respirator. She also told him that I was still under observation and haven't been cleared yet because my heart rate went really high during surgery. My husband started to tear, his two girls were in danger that time. I can only imagine the pain and fear my husband felt that time. I still feel for him now that he had to endure such a bewildering experience.
Thankfully, my baby responded with the pressured oxygen and slowly she recovered. She stayed in the NICU for 3 days with tubes in the nose and mouth and lots of stuff attached to her. It was a heartbreaking sight especially for me. I felt I failed her but they reassured me I did the best that I could. But did I? I wanted to take all the suffering as long as she'd be safe and pain-free. But, it's all in the past now. I am just so glad she is fine now. She still have jaundice though because her blood type is B and I am a type O. They said some of my blood went inside her through the umbilical cord during surgery and it resulted to jaundice.
When my baby was brought home, I was very happy. That time I thought I no longer have high blood pressure or will not get it again since I've been having normal BP since the time I gave birth. I was wrong. That night was a sleepless night for me and hubby but we enjoyed every minute of it. The next day though around 5am, I woke up shivering. I was shaking uncontrollably from head to foot, I even bit my tongue accidentally. I was shouting out for my husband but he went outside, in search of food and he didn't hear me right away. When he saw me I was still shaking hard and he ran to me and covered me with lots of blanket and hugged me. I started to normalize after awhile but I think my husband was traumatized! (hehe) He asked my sister about it and she said it's because I also had UTI and they were treating me with antibiotics already because of it. Thankfully it didn't recur but I make sure I keep myself in the safe zone by not abusing my body until they cleared me... just a few more weeks from now.
I promise to dedicate my daughter to God. He gave us our baby despite the danger that she or the two of us wouldn't make it to the end. I am so glad we both survived this ordeal. I suffered from severe and uncontrolled preeclampsia and stayed on complete bed rest for 4 weeks. We both made it out alive. I am not cleared yet as they said I can still suffer from postpartum eclampsia. But, as the time of this writing, I am perfectly fine. I thank everyone who prayed for me and especially for my baby. Prayers can really move mountains. I thank the Lord for giving me the strength when I was already breaking down. I don't know how I made it through and how I was blessed with such a beautiful baby. My heart is so thankful for everyone and especially for our dear Lord who covered us with His blanket of protection and made sure everything would be just fine.
I can now hold my baby, I can smell her, feel her... and she's breathing, smiling, feeding, pooping and doing what all the other normal babies do and I am so happy. My baby is just fine. :) We made it to the finish line!!! :)
End of June or first week of July, I had a dream. I dreamt of my godmother who died last year. She was looking really pretty and she asked me how her daughter is now then she told me something that really shivered me to the bones. She said, "you and your baby won't make it to the finish line, please be very careful." I tried to ditch the idea that it was a warning from her, but when you dream of something like that and it's concerning the baby inside you, you really can't help but believe that it is true. I thank my godmother for that dream 'coz I became really careful with my pregnancy and little weird feelings I have, I consult and ask about it right away. And, if you know me personally, you'd know that's not something that I would normally do.
On my 33rd week, I first noticed white flashes. I was taking a bath when I suddenly saw flashing lights that was running like ants or spider web. I asked my sis about it but she said I may just be imagining it. So, I didn't really think much about it but I researched, unfortunately it never crossed my mind that it's about my pregnancy. The next day, my hands and feet ballooned. The next day I asked my sis to check my bp and there it was, around 140/90 and it didn't go down, just up. She asked me to stay on bed rest and prescribed me with medications to keep my bp down. That time, my bp was so stubborn, even with medication it kept on going up. That moment was the scariest moment for me, I was afraid because if it won't go down, they will induce me and the baby may not survive. Their main concern that time was for me to survive, and that may mean we need to sacrifice my baby. It was a painful thought... I tried to stay calm because I don't want to aggravate my situation and I prayed hard. I asked for more prayers from people who love me and I tried my best to remain calm. I also had injections for baby's lungs to mature, I think it was methadexone if I am not mistaken.
On my 34th week I had my first attack. I had difficulty breathing like there's water in my lungs. I guess I was already experiencing pulmonary edema that time. It took a few minutes before I went back to normal, but at that time my sister (a doctor) already wanted to admit me to a hospital. I was hesitant and asked for her to give me more time, if I won't get any better then I will accept my defeat. Thankfully, it went away.
At the end of my 35th week I had my second attack. That was the worst experience I've ever had. My face became numb, couldn't breathe well and I think my brain got short-circuited because it was telling me things that I know isn't normal. Like, it was dictating me that I should run around the house! I went to my sis and asked her to check my bp again (Oh, I forgot to add, I've been continually checking my bp every hour since the 33rd week using a digital BP monitor) and it peaked at 150/105. It isn't that high but I have low tolerance and it was already really high for me. My sister already asked me to think about having the cesarian already as what I experienced isn't normal and is already a sign that I am almost at the eclamptic stage, which can be fatal for me. I had no choice but to agree with her that I'd be scheduled for c-section but my soul was crushed. I thought about my baby, what would ever happen to her, will she make it? It was heart-breaking. I went to my doctor the next day and she told me the baby isn't ready yet and they will try to buy me more time for the baby to grow more. I agreed with her and she wanted to reach the 37th week which was a week away that time. My husband already flew in from Manila on that day but we didn't mind 'coz what we really wanted was what's best for baby.
36 weeks and 4 days I had another attack. My BP went even higher, I think around 155/110, and I had a really hard time breathing. It lasted over an hour, not like the previous attacks where I'd feel better just a few minutes after. This one lasted an hour. My sis was already really alarmed and laid down the cards on us. I asked my husband to decide since it's like a lose-lose situation for us. If I won't have the c-section right away, my condition could worsen and might end up with eclampsia and I can die from it and so will my baby. If I'll have the c-section there is no guarantee that she'd be perfectly fine though we are certain she'd be alive already since she's near term, but there's no guarantee if she would ever have complications or not. So, we chose the least problematic option and chose to have the c-section scheduled the next day.
At the hospital that afternoon, the doctor detected my heart rate wasn't normal. I don't know what else was going on but they scheduled me for the c-section at that moment. I had the NST test again for baby and thankfully she was doing just fine inside me and they brought me awhile later to the delivery room. There, I had another attack of sort. I am so thankful my sister was my anesthesiologist and she was talking to me the whole time and asked me to keep on praying and to stay as calm as possible. During the surgery I was talking to her and I was praying and singing praise songs. At one point, my face turned white and I almost fainted but she snapped me out of it. There were times when I was praying and singing in my head when my brain just stopped the prayer and the songs and my sis would remind me to relax and pray, as at that point my heart rate already went abnormally high. Of course I didn't know what was really going on, but I heard her say "doc, she's having an attack already." Awhile later I already felt them pulling the baby out of me and I heard my baby cry for the first time. It wasn't a dramatic moment for me, I didn't feel the attachment right away. I didn't even feel like she was my baby when she was brought to me and I kissed her. They had to bring her out right away though because they said it was too cold for baby. Though I didn't feel the attachment with her, I was thankful she looked safe... At least that's what I thought.
At the nursery, the doctors noticed something was terribly wrong... My baby couldn't breathe. They called up my sister and she left me in the delivery room not knowing what was going on. My sis was heartbroken when she saw my baby trying her best to breathe but couldn't breathe on her own. She saw my mom, sis and husband outside the nursery and she immediately closed the blinds so they couldn't see what was happening inside. She called my husband and told her they are doing their best but baby isn't breathing as what they had hoped for. And if she won't react to the CPAP (don't know if I got it right, it's like pressured oxygen) they would have to tube her with a respirator. She also told him that I was still under observation and haven't been cleared yet because my heart rate went really high during surgery. My husband started to tear, his two girls were in danger that time. I can only imagine the pain and fear my husband felt that time. I still feel for him now that he had to endure such a bewildering experience.
Thankfully, my baby responded with the pressured oxygen and slowly she recovered. She stayed in the NICU for 3 days with tubes in the nose and mouth and lots of stuff attached to her. It was a heartbreaking sight especially for me. I felt I failed her but they reassured me I did the best that I could. But did I? I wanted to take all the suffering as long as she'd be safe and pain-free. But, it's all in the past now. I am just so glad she is fine now. She still have jaundice though because her blood type is B and I am a type O. They said some of my blood went inside her through the umbilical cord during surgery and it resulted to jaundice.
When my baby was brought home, I was very happy. That time I thought I no longer have high blood pressure or will not get it again since I've been having normal BP since the time I gave birth. I was wrong. That night was a sleepless night for me and hubby but we enjoyed every minute of it. The next day though around 5am, I woke up shivering. I was shaking uncontrollably from head to foot, I even bit my tongue accidentally. I was shouting out for my husband but he went outside, in search of food and he didn't hear me right away. When he saw me I was still shaking hard and he ran to me and covered me with lots of blanket and hugged me. I started to normalize after awhile but I think my husband was traumatized! (hehe) He asked my sister about it and she said it's because I also had UTI and they were treating me with antibiotics already because of it. Thankfully it didn't recur but I make sure I keep myself in the safe zone by not abusing my body until they cleared me... just a few more weeks from now.
I promise to dedicate my daughter to God. He gave us our baby despite the danger that she or the two of us wouldn't make it to the end. I am so glad we both survived this ordeal. I suffered from severe and uncontrolled preeclampsia and stayed on complete bed rest for 4 weeks. We both made it out alive. I am not cleared yet as they said I can still suffer from postpartum eclampsia. But, as the time of this writing, I am perfectly fine. I thank everyone who prayed for me and especially for my baby. Prayers can really move mountains. I thank the Lord for giving me the strength when I was already breaking down. I don't know how I made it through and how I was blessed with such a beautiful baby. My heart is so thankful for everyone and especially for our dear Lord who covered us with His blanket of protection and made sure everything would be just fine.
I can now hold my baby, I can smell her, feel her... and she's breathing, smiling, feeding, pooping and doing what all the other normal babies do and I am so happy. My baby is just fine. :) We made it to the finish line!!! :)
Saturday, August 14, 2010
questions, doubts, frustrations
I sometimes question God why He is good not only to those who are righteous but even to those that do bad to others. I don't understand it and probably never will. It would be easier to justify to someone that they are doing wrong with how they treat others because they are being punished by God. But how do you justify that to someone who is receiving all sorts of miracles that only God could give when that person only wish for ill things to others or only treat them meanly? I don't understand and I cry to God asking why. Why let other good people suffer so much and they can't even feel Your loving embrace while there are those who do things that are not good and worships money more than You yet you still give them what they pray for? What is the secret ingredient? I don't understand...
I pray that God would change the heart of someone that is close to me. Someone who should have been there for me since I was born and would love me unconditionally and show me how I could lead my life and praise me for the good things I do and with all my accomplishments. Instead this person ridicules me and makes me feel like I can do nothing and that I am being nothing but a disappointment. My life had been miserable and continues to be miserable because of this person's influence in me. How I hate myself because of my paranoia and my constant desire to be praised by them and to not be a failure. It has many drawbacks. I am not contented with my own accomplishments and I hate myself more and more when I cannot reach the goals I set for myself. I am tired of feeling this way and I realize I am not the only one who feels this way... All of us here suffer from this paranoia with varying degrees and I feel for them too. We do not deserve to be imprisoned in this state of mind like we can't do wrong because when we do, we want nothing else but to torture ourselves... and we always do. All of this because this is what had been inculcated in our minds.
Now that we're all grown ups, we have our own plans and we can do whatever we want in our lives. Yet a part of us are still just kids whose legs are tied to the floor and we can't fly no matter how much we want to and, yes, we know we can fly. But something is holding us back and that's something we can never break free from. It's caused by the persons who were supposed to make us feel like we could do anything in this world. Persons who were supposed to show us love and affection.
It is unfair that they are not punished. I do not really desire for them to be punished because I love them dearly but I just hope God will show them that He is not happy with what they have done. Why is this so much to ask?
----And God just answered my question through this video ----
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