Enjoy every moment while you can

I'm here for a vacation but my mind is still restless. I feel like I am not doing anything good by not earning as much as I really need to so I could help with the expenses. Oh well, I guess I'm just being self-critical. I'm here to be with my nephew and my family and I should be spending my days and enjoying each moment but why is it that I'm in such a hurry for the days to be done? Then now that I have a few more days left, it's just now that I realize I should be spending more time with them especially my niece and nephews. They are growing up so fast and the next time I'd see them they'd be much bigger.

During my first 2 days I was in dire need of going back to my husband. I couldn't believe I'm here but now I really feel like I'm back home and I feel right at home again... Guess I just have that weird feeling every once in awhile like I just couldn't breathe and I need to go back to my comfy place. But I really have to learn to embrace what I have "now" and not anticipate the future. I don't want to waste my moments because I can't wait for what will happen next.

What if there's nothing to anticipate anymore?

I'm home.... but I don't feel at home anymore

I just arrived this morning. I knew it, I would feel very strange the minute I stepped foot in our house. This just don't feel like home anymore. Sure, it's still my place... This is where I spent most of my life and all that, but I'm starting to get that same feeling again similar to what I experienced when I was still new in Laguna. I was hyperventilating and I just feel like i want to explode! Why do I get to feel this way? I really don't think this is a normal reaction.

I wanna cry and I don't really understand why. Will I feel like this again when I go back to Manila? I was not like this before. What the heck is going on?!!

Negative

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby... Dunno why it's so hard for us to have one when others get pregnant all the time. Why?!!

I've never been this disappointed about it before. The other day, I checked, hoping beyond hope that this time we finally conceived... but it was still negative. I just sat there, staring at the PT with disbelief... another disappointment. I wanted to cry, wanted to get angry, felt like I was imploding. But, I have to accept it. Maybe it's really not the right time. God has reasons that I still can not understand but I know, there is a reason for this.

I'm only human though. As much as I understand that everything happens as God planned it, but I still feel negative emotions when things don't go as I wished it would. Well, I guess we just have to keep trying and get ourselves checked to see what's wrong. Hope nothing's wrong... I can't accept it if we can't have a baby someday :( Pray for us.

It's called faith..

Sometimes it's hard to see where life is taking you. One moment you think everything's going in this direction and within a blink of an eye, everything changed. It can be frustrating but it is now that I know God is testing me with my faith. If I knew where He is leading me, then it's not called faith 'coz you already know what is in store for you. Right now, I just hang on to my faith, 'coz I know I just followed the path that God paved for me. At first I thought I knew where those paths were taking me but right now I'm still left in the dark. But, I am confident and happy 'coz I know God is carrying me. I don't know where He's taking me but I know He won't throw me out in the pit. He's going to lead us to the right direction and He will carry us there just like in the story of footprints in the sand.... I can feel that now... When sometimes I feel God has left me but deep down in my heart I know He never will. Now that I don't see his footprints I know He is carrying me.

God is good. He will always be.

Life has hurdles... You can't run as smoothly as you wish

Just when things started to feel "ok" at the office then all of a sudden this man started to say harsh words to me over the phone over something that is really not my own doing. Yes, I wrote the report but it wasn't my decision to write that. Oh well, it bothered me so much and it feels like water had been splashed over the fire that burns in me to work really hard. Good thing though, my boss is really nice. But, the fire is already gone and I'm no longer happy.

What to do? Am I acting spoiled that over something small I already want to give up on this job? I don't know... I guess I just want a perfect world... a world with not too many bad people around. I can't believe how mean people could be here... I just remember how my friend "J" would feel when she was still working in AMN. Now I feel what she felt then although in my case, my enemy is staying in a far away plant... Still, that incident bothers me up to this day and it angers me. I wish I could have fought with him and not act educated so he could taste what it feels like to fight with Lila. But... I know that would be unwise. Oh well, right now I'm just hanging in there so to speak. Just waiting for the day that I could finally resign...

What will I do next when that day comes? I don't know. :( I don't want to look for a job again... I'll hopefully have enough cash to start a biz... that would be the better life for me, I guess. I don't really know anymore. I just don't feel like I'm really up to being an employee. It's such a bummer!