... Just A Glimpse

You are just like your mother

2011-09-29T08:23:00.002+08:00

I think that mothers have a very huge influence in our lives. I realize that one reason why I remained so bitter is because my mom is feeding me with a bit of bitterness regarding my issues. As much as I want to heal, her influence and my paranoia is a lethal combination that made me stay where I am at now. I want to move on and I hope I can and I hope she could move on too.

It may seem funny but that movie touched me

2011-09-02T20:54:00.002+08:00

There was this movie shown on Cinema one with Aiko Melendez and Chinchin Gutierrez. I don't know what that movie is all about because I didn't really watch it. But, my daughter's nanny was watching it and I caught a few glimpse of it. Well, to give a bit of description, Chinchin's character there is very giving but she became very bitter and angry when everything started to crumble in her life. Aiko is her best friend who actually was the reason for all the bad luck in her life (at least that's how I saw it). Anyway, it's the line of Aiko that got me. She said that Chin2x loves others too much but she forgot to love herself first. Her happiness is based on other people and if they don't reach her expectations, she starts breaking down and get disappointed. She said that Chin2x has to love herself first in order to find true happiness and not base it on other people. That she loves others but she also expects something from them in return.

It kinda hit me because I somehow realized I am somewhat similar to Chin's character. I realized I love others more than I love myself and when they disappoint me I get hurt and it takes me awhile to recover. I expect others to fill my need for love when I should be the one to fill it for myself. I realized that if I start loving myself first, things won't affect me so much. People won't always be there for me and they won't always do things in my favor or will make me happy. If I am happy on my own, they don't need to do all those things and I'd still value them just as much. The lines of Aiko was really deep and I think I would remember that for a long time. I need to learn to love myself a lot more and I'm starting that now. I will say I love you to myself every day and I'll protect myself and care for myself just as how I would protect and care for others. It's a big realization for me indeed.

New life... again

2011-02-17T09:47:00.002+08:00

So, I'm back here in Laguna. Chose to move here despite the opposition from my parents who can't simply accept the fact that I am no longer a kid (:P) and I have no regrets. So far I'm quite happy here living with my husband and our baby girl. Our baby is growing so fast and I'm glad I can be with her every single day and see her grow. I am happy now though I know I am still wounded. Finally, I think, I really need to move on. As I think about what had happened in the past and what they have done to me, I realize that there's no point in me ruining my life and not enjoying what I have now. My friend was right, I have so many blessings already and I shouldn't ask God why He is blessing them even though He knows they deeply wounded me... destroyed me, in fact! But, life has to go on. I can choose to just think about what happened and not move forward and eventually regret the lost chances, or I can move on now and simply enjoy the life that I am already given. I now will choose the latter.

I know there will still be issues in the future and they will continue to try and hurt me or talk about me like I'm a big joke but I have no control over that. I guess I just have to let them be. It may take awhile for me to completely forgive them and rub elbows with them again (if ever that would still happen) but I will just move on now. I just have to think of my blessings. I am so thankful that we moved far from them too. Less contact with them, the better. I noticed before when I was still in Mandaluyong I was really happy and at peace with myself. When I returned home, I became so angry again... Anger is not a good feeling to feel and I kept that anger in my heart so I could protect myself from being hurt again. I tried to open up to them but they abused my trust... again! Oh, well. That's their problem now, not mine. But somehow I allowed them to be victorious over me because I kept myself distant and attacked people because I was angry. I no longer want to be angry.

Well, just want to post here again. It's been awhile since I last visited my blog. I do hope that the next blog posts would all be positive- no more hurts, anger and disappointments (fingers crossed). They've done enough. Now it's time to free myself. :)

Preeclampsia got me

2010-10-17T13:42:00.005+08:00

I was on my 33rd week of pregnancy when I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia. Actually, even on my 8th week of pregnancy, my doctor already thought I was in the danger zone because my diastolic was at 90 mmHg. I was on medication since the 8th week but we never really took it seriously as every time I ask my sister to check my blood pressure, it was always normal. It only turns 120/90 when I get to the doctor. I even blamed the doctor's assistant that she doesn't know how to read my blood pressure. hihi But, it's really a good thing that the doctor's assistant spotted 120/90 each time I visit them because the doctor already had a warning that I "may" end up with preeclampsia.

End of June or first week of July, I had a dream. I dreamt of my godmother who died last year. She was looking really pretty and she asked me how her daughter is now then she told me something that really shivered me to the bones. She said, "you and your baby won't make it to the finish line, please be very careful." I tried to ditch the idea that it was a warning from her, but when you dream of something like that and it's concerning the baby inside you, you really can't help but believe that it is true. I thank my godmother for that dream 'coz I became really careful with my pregnancy and little weird feelings I have, I consult and ask about it right away. And, if you know me personally, you'd know that's not something that I would normally do.

On my 33rd week, I first noticed white flashes. I was taking a bath when I suddenly saw flashing lights that was running like ants or spider web. I asked my sis about it but she said I may just be imagining it. So, I didn't really think much about it but I researched, unfortunately it never crossed my mind that it's about my pregnancy. The next day, my hands and feet ballooned. The next day I asked my sis to check my bp and there it was, around 140/90 and it didn't go down, just up. She asked me to stay on bed rest and prescribed me with medications to keep my bp down. That time, my bp was so stubborn, even with medication it kept on going up. That moment was the scariest moment for me, I was afraid because if it won't go down, they will induce me and the baby may not survive. Their main concern that time was for me to survive, and that may mean we need to sacrifice my baby. It was a painful thought... I tried to stay calm because I don't want to aggravate my situation and I prayed hard. I asked for more prayers from people who love me and I tried my best to remain calm. I also had injections for baby's lungs to mature, I think it was methadexone if I am not mistaken.

On my 34th week I had my first attack. I had difficulty breathing like there's water in my lungs. I guess I was already experiencing pulmonary edema that time. It took a few minutes before I went back to normal, but at that time my sister (a doctor) already wanted to admit me to a hospital. I was hesitant and asked for her to give me more time, if I won't get any better then I will accept my defeat. Thankfully, it went away.

At the end of my 35th week I had my second attack. That was the worst experience I've ever had. My face became numb, couldn't breathe well and I think my brain got short-circuited because it was telling me things that I know isn't normal. Like, it was dictating me that I should run around the house! I went to my sis and asked her to check my bp again (Oh, I forgot to add, I've been continually checking my bp every hour since the 33rd week using a digital BP monitor) and it peaked at 150/105. It isn't that high but I have low tolerance and it was already really high for me. My sister already asked me to think about having the cesarian already as what I experienced isn't normal and is already a sign that I am almost at the eclamptic stage, which can be fatal for me. I had no choice but to agree with her that I'd be scheduled for c-section but my soul was crushed. I thought about my baby, what would ever happen to her, will she make it? It was heart-breaking. I went to my doctor the next day and she told me the baby isn't ready yet and they will try to buy me more time for the baby to grow more. I agreed with her and she wanted to reach the 37th week which was a week away that time. My husband already flew in from Manila on that day but we didn't mind 'coz what we really wanted was what's best for baby.

36 weeks and 4 days I had another attack. My BP went even higher, I think around 155/110, and I had a really hard time breathing. It lasted over an hour, not like the previous attacks where I'd feel better just a few minutes after. This one lasted an hour. My sis was already really alarmed and laid down the cards on us. I asked my husband to decide since it's like a lose-lose situation for us. If I won't have the c-section right away, my condition could worsen and might end up with eclampsia and I can die from it and so will my baby. If I'll have the c-section there is no guarantee that she'd be perfectly fine though we are certain she'd be alive already since she's near term, but there's no guarantee if she would ever have complications or not. So, we chose the least problematic option and chose to have the c-section scheduled the next day.

At the hospital that afternoon, the doctor detected my heart rate wasn't normal. I don't know what else was going on but they scheduled me for the c-section at that moment. I had the NST test again for baby and thankfully she was doing just fine inside me and they brought me awhile later to the delivery room. There, I had another attack of sort. I am so thankful my sister was my anesthesiologist and she was talking to me the whole time and asked me to keep on praying and to stay as calm as possible. During the surgery I was talking to her and I was praying and singing praise songs. At one point, my face turned white and I almost fainted but she snapped me out of it. There were times when I was praying and singing in my head when my brain just stopped the prayer and the songs and my sis would remind me to relax and pray, as at that point my heart rate already went abnormally high. Of course I didn't know what was really going on, but I heard her say "doc, she's having an attack already." Awhile later I already felt them pulling the baby out of me and I heard my baby cry for the first time. It wasn't a dramatic moment for me, I didn't feel the attachment right away. I didn't even feel like she was my baby when she was brought to me and I kissed her. They had to bring her out right away though because they said it was too cold for baby. Though I didn't feel the attachment with her, I was thankful she looked safe... At least that's what I thought.

At the nursery, the doctors noticed something was terribly wrong... My baby couldn't breathe. They called up my sister and she left me in the delivery room not knowing what was going on. My sis was heartbroken when she saw my baby trying her best to breathe but couldn't breathe on her own. She saw my mom, sis and husband outside the nursery and she immediately closed the blinds so they couldn't see what was happening inside. She called my husband and told her they are doing their best but baby isn't breathing as what they had hoped for. And if she won't react to the CPAP (don't know if I got it right, it's like pressured oxygen) they would have to tube her with a respirator. She also told him that I was still under observation and haven't been cleared yet because my heart rate went really high during surgery. My husband started to tear, his two girls were in danger that time. I can only imagine the pain and fear my husband felt that time. I still feel for him now that he had to endure such a bewildering experience.

Thankfully, my baby responded with the pressured oxygen and slowly she recovered. She stayed in the NICU for 3 days with tubes in the nose and mouth and lots of stuff attached to her. It was a heartbreaking sight especially for me. I felt I failed her but they reassured me I did the best that I could. But did I? I wanted to take all the suffering as long as she'd be safe and pain-free. But, it's all in the past now. I am just so glad she is fine now. She still have jaundice though because her blood type is B and I am a type O. They said some of my blood went inside her through the umbilical cord during surgery and it resulted to jaundice.

When my baby was brought home, I was very happy. That time I thought I no longer have high blood pressure or will not get it again since I've been having normal BP since the time I gave birth. I was wrong. That night was a sleepless night for me and hubby but we enjoyed every minute of it. The next day though around 5am, I woke up shivering. I was shaking uncontrollably from head to foot, I even bit my tongue accidentally. I was shouting out for my husband but he went outside, in search of food and he didn't hear me right away. When he saw me I was still shaking hard and he ran to me and covered me with lots of blanket and hugged me. I started to normalize after awhile but I think my husband was traumatized! (hehe) He asked my sister about it and she said it's because I also had UTI and they were treating me with antibiotics already because of it. Thankfully it didn't recur but I make sure I keep myself in the safe zone by not abusing my body until they cleared me... just a few more weeks from now.

I promise to dedicate my daughter to God. He gave us our baby despite the danger that she or the two of us wouldn't make it to the end. I am so glad we both survived this ordeal. I suffered from severe and uncontrolled preeclampsia and stayed on complete bed rest for 4 weeks. We both made it out alive. I am not cleared yet as they said I can still suffer from postpartum eclampsia. But, as the time of this writing, I am perfectly fine. I thank everyone who prayed for me and especially for my baby. Prayers can really move mountains. I thank the Lord for giving me the strength when I was already breaking down. I don't know how I made it through and how I was blessed with such a beautiful baby. My heart is so thankful for everyone and especially for our dear Lord who covered us with His blanket of protection and made sure everything would be just fine.

I can now hold my baby, I can smell her, feel her... and she's breathing, smiling, feeding, pooping and doing what all the other normal babies do and I am so happy. My baby is just fine. :) We made it to the finish line!!! :)

questions, doubts, frustrations

2010-08-14T21:13:00.004+08:00

I sometimes question God why He is good not only to those who are righteous but even to those that do bad to others. I don't understand it and probably never will. It would be easier to justify to someone that they are doing wrong with how they treat others because they are being punished by God. But how do you justify that to someone who is receiving all sorts of miracles that only God could give when that person only wish for ill things to others or only treat them meanly? I don't understand and I cry to God asking why. Why let other good people suffer so much and they can't even feel Your loving embrace while there are those who do things that are not good and worships money more than You yet you still give them what they pray for? What is the secret ingredient? I don't understand...

I pray that God would change the heart of someone that is close to me. Someone who should have been there for me since I was born and would love me unconditionally and show me how I could lead my life and praise me for the good things I do and with all my accomplishments. Instead this person ridicules me and makes me feel like I can do nothing and that I am being nothing but a disappointment. My life had been miserable and continues to be miserable because of this person's influence in me. How I hate myself because of my paranoia and my constant desire to be praised by them and to not be a failure. It has many drawbacks. I am not contented with my own accomplishments and I hate myself more and more when I cannot reach the goals I set for myself. I am tired of feeling this way and I realize I am not the only one who feels this way... All of us here suffer from this paranoia with varying degrees and I feel for them too. We do not deserve to be imprisoned in this state of mind like we can't do wrong because when we do, we want nothing else but to torture ourselves... and we always do. All of this because this is what had been inculcated in our minds.

Now that we're all grown ups, we have our own plans and we can do whatever we want in our lives. Yet a part of us are still just kids whose legs are tied to the floor and we can't fly no matter how much we want to and, yes, we know we can fly. But something is holding us back and that's something we can never break free from. It's caused by the persons who were supposed to make us feel like we could do anything in this world. Persons who were supposed to show us love and affection.

It is unfair that they are not punished. I do not really desire for them to be punished because I love them dearly but I just hope God will show them that He is not happy with what they have done. Why is this so much to ask?

----And God just answered my question through this video ----

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aut8a-8kY7g

RIP Frosty :''''(

2010-07-18T23:47:00.005+08:00

July 15, at around 8 in the morning my dog died.

4 am July 15, I woke up from a crying sound. Frosty was outside the door, crying as she wanted to come in. I woke up and opened the door for my baby Frosty and she went in. She didn't make me sleep anymore, we played and I cuddled her. I made her feel so loved and I liked petting her as she closed her eyes and enjoyed being with me. Frosty was my constant companion. She rarely left my side and I felt like this dog worshiped me and loved me unconditionally. Even when I've been away for a few months, the moment she sees me eye to eye she remembers me and she starts following me around like we've never been apart. I guess that's how unconditional dogs love their masters. She forgave me many times for leaving her months at a time and when we're together again, she pretends like we lost no time.

Past 7 in the morning last July 15, I was still chatting with my sister. I told her I'm going to take a nap as I haven't slept after 4 AM 'coz Frosty woke me up. Just a few minutes later, our helper came in and brought Frosty. She said Frosty was ran over by our car and she can't walk well... might have broken her leg. I looked at Frosty and she looked in pain but she didn't really cry. she moved towards the place where she usually sleeps, just right beside my bed. She laid there as she was in pain. I didn't know what to do, I called up my husband. Told him Frosty's in pain, might have broken her leg. Then, Frosty looked at me and I saw blood rushing out of her mouth. I started crying, shouting in disbelief. As I was talking to my husband I couldn't help myself. I became hysterical. Then, she died... Just about 2 minutes after she was brought in to be with me, she died. I knew she was dead because she started to pee. I cried so hard, I lost my constant companion, my best friend. Husband tried to comfort me, my sister who our helper called up tried to comfort me but I couldn't stop crying. I just lost my dog... I could not believe it, until now I couldn't believe it. Frosty's gone. She's really gone.

After awhile, I had to stop crying because I am putting my baby in danger by being so emotional. I had to put all my pain aside because I cannot afford to jeopardize my baby and have early labor. That time I started feeling pain in my abdomen and I started experiencing cramps. I got nervous, I immediately lied down and rested. I automatically stopped crying though my heart was in so much pain. It was at this moment that I realized it's so damn hard to be pregnant. I couldn't grieve for my baby Frosty. I feel it's so unfair, she deserves my grief but I can't grieve too much. But, I know Frosty understands. I loved her so much and I never failed to make her feel that. I cuddled her every time I can and I made her feel so loved. I know she's happy now together with King Kong who died last year. I lost them both and both deaths were traumatic for me. Still, I'm happy I was able to make their lives wonderful. They were loved and I know they brag about that to other dog souls in heaven.

I've been searching online for proofs or studies about doggy heaven. I know in my heart God welcomed King Kong and Frosty and my previous pets in heaven. They are there and they are all waiting for me to someday join them and pet them and cuddle them all over again.

To my baby Frosty, I loved you so much and I will never ever forget having you as my pet. You comforted me and kept me company when I felt so alone. Goodbye my baby. I love you soooooo much! My heart continues to cry for you. I am just glad your death was quick and you died beside me. I love you.

Bittersweet days...

2010-07-03T12:38:00.003+08:00

Going through a tough time lately. I got lots of disappointments that I took in harshly. I was disappointed with a client who suddenly changed his mind. I was preparing for it then all of a sudden, he just said "never mind" as if nothing's at stake there. I couldn't blame him, clients are always right but I guess I just felt bad about it because I am saving up for my baby and doing everything that I can to give my baby a good future and all that. But, my body is so tired plus with the stress, I just went into seclusion. I wanted to get away from the world and from people... I shut down.

Usually when I get an episode, I don't shut down. But this time it felt very different. I just had too much all at one time. I found out that husband's family is telling a different story about our ordeal last year. I got so angry... very angry then when I decided I wanted to heal, I got another blow. This time with one client... All of this happened in one day and it just became too much for me... too much because my body was already tired and my heart was starting to get very tired as well. I wanted to run away, I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, I wanted to just disappear... fade away and never come back. And I never felt so alone even with my husband trying to cheer me up and telling me about all the opportunities and blessings that came our way. At that point, everything seemed futile. Nothing made sense... All our hard work, what is it really for? I tend to forget baby D is waiting to take a glimpse of our world and we're the ones who should take good care of her. All these are for her, not for me, so I have to keep on going. But, I was just way too tired... I wasn't able to go on. I dropped and needed to recover and I should recover fast because clock is ticking.

I am still trying to recover from it, trying to regain my strength back. I'm just glad I have a friend here who was willing to keep me company so I could be back to my old self again. For that I am so thankful. I am so blessed when it comes to my friends. But, the happiness is really short-lived. I am lucky in gaining friends but these friends can't stay with me... They all have to be away from me and that's sad. But, I am still blessed I have them in my life and I am even more blessed that they are happy they have me in their lives. Still, I am hoping... Someday I could settle in one place and meet a friend who'll be a friend and a companion for all the days of my life. Someone who I can run to when I need a friend. Someone who'd be physically present when I need someone aside from my husband... Someday... I am claiming that :)

But for now, I must focus on my emotional healing... for my baby who needs mommy.

Why God Gave us Friends

2010-06-10T12:33:00.002+08:00

God knew that everyone neededCompanionship and cheer...He knew that people needed someoneWhose thoughts are always near.
He knew they needed someone kindto lend a helping hand...Someone to gladly take the timeTo care and understand...That's why God gave us friends
God knew that we all needed someoneTo share each happy day...To be a source of courageWhen troubles come our way...Someone to be true to usWhether near or far apart...Someone whose love we'll always holdAnd treasure in our hearts...
That's why God gave us friends...

~~Source Unknown~~

I miss my old life...

2010-04-06T11:56:00.002+08:00

I know things happen for a reason and with all the wonderful blessings from God, I know I shouldn't even think of missing my old life. But, I do. I guess it's just normal to reminisce and miss the past without regretting the present.

In just a blink of an eye everything changed. Our life used to be very wonderful and must I also add, quite extravagant. I somehow knew it really wouldn't last but for the time that it did, I enjoyed myself a lot. Alain and I had a lot of fun. We were carefree, not thinking about the future much but just enjoying the present and each other. We just go out whenever we want, go to resorts and just relax whenever I feel like it, watch movies every week or so, play at the arcade almost everyday, spending money here and there and just having a lot of fun. I was a busy girl then, busy going out and just enjoying life. I must admit, I loved it. Though, I was frustrated I wasn't able to push Alain to join me for my dreams of traveling abroad. He is not the traveling kind so that was quite frustrating. But, to say the least, we were quite happy doing practically anything we want, almost anytime we want. It is with the convenience and freedom that I knew it really was not going to last. For whatever reason, really. For maturity and new phase in life, we were sure we will never have that same amount of free time again. And, we were definitely right!

After that incident of February last year, everything changed. The freedom was taken away from us and maturity started to sink in. We now think of the future and we now try to save every penny we can. Sacrifices has to be made in order to better our future together. We have nobody to depend on now... No one to stop our fall if we do, so we really can not afford to fall.

Now, being back here in Bacolod, it's the more that I miss my old life. The more that I miss having Alain just nearby and whenever we feel like escaping the world, we just can. Now I am stuck here... at home... No way to release stress and no one who I can cry on. Alain has to stay in Manila to work for our future. I am really missing our old life together though I won't trade the present to the past.

We are still in the process of being molded. God is still molding us into the people that we should be and I know He will carry us through this and would give us better lives. It is hard but we will endure because God is by our side. I thank God for all the great experiences I had in my past, all I treasure so deeply. I thank God for all the pains we also had to suffer, it's what pulled us away from a carefree life and made us stronger and wiser.

Now we have to save up as much as we can so we could give this little baby in my tummy some great memories of a carefree life as well. I want our kid to enjoy life but to appreciate everything and value everything the way they deserved. Above all, I want to raise this baby learning about what me and daddy had to go through before he/she was given to us. I want him/her to know how God worked in our lives and how He manifested Himself to us and even giving us this child a year after our planned double suicide.

I want him/her to know that despite giving up everything and starting from scratch, it is all worth it because of him/her. We surely have a lot of stories to tell our little kid, he/she doesn't need story books! :)

I have a confession to make...

2010-03-01T09:32:00.003+08:00

I smile because I want to inspire others that no matter what, there's always a reason to smile. I try not to show the pain I am going through because I don't want to cause them concern.

But, the truth is, I am in pain... physical pain.

The truth is, I am scared. Scared of what would happen to me, what my future holds for me.

The truth is, I pity myself. Why I have to go through these things and why do I have these problems?

The truth is, I sometimes can't help to get angry at God. Why I have to suffer like this and why I feel so deprived. But I take all my angry words back when I come to my senses again and I just ask for His guidance and for more strength.

The truth is, I sometimes just want to give up on myself.

And one great truth is, I feel more strengthened with each passing day, with each throb of pain I feel, with each disappointment because God believes so much in me that I could handle all these things. I am still human. I get hurt, angry, I cry and just wanna give up. But, knowing that God cares for me, I know I can endure all of these things and escape as a better person. I just have to trust in Him that He won't ever let go of my hand. I know I won't be alone in that operating room, I won't go through all the pain on my own. I know, when I cry God cries with me. When I feel pain, God feels that pain too. I know when I'm starting to get confused, God is trying to help me see things in a better perspective. I know whenever I feel scared, God hugs me and tells me everything's going to be okay because He won't let anything bad happen to me. Whenever I get angry at Him, I know He understands and forgives me. It's a nice feeling to know that I'm not going to go through these things on my own.

Traits I don't like

2010-02-26T15:53:00.002+08:00

I am so stressed right now so I decided to let out some steam by writing this blog entry. It's not to point fingers at people but these are just some traits I really don't like in people. These are the traits that gets on my nerves!

1. Dumb people- They are not at fault if they are but it just annoys me when people ask the most non-sense questions or when you talk to them and you feel like you're talking to a wall. You don't get any decent conversations with them. I don't hate these people but they annoy me sometimes.

2. People who think they know everything- This is the trait I REALLY hate especially when you know what that person is telling you is actually not true. I am a chemical engineer, a woman of science, so when someone tells me that they believe their beliefs are true when it makes no sense at all irritates me as well. We can have conversations and we can disagree with what we say to each other but when you start rolling your eyes on me because you REALLY think you're right. I don't give a bull! Just go and leave me alone before I lose it! It's okay to think that what you're saying is right, I like debating. But it's different when you make people feel like your words are like words from the Bible or from a science almanac!

3. When you can't take honest words and would rather slam it at the other person's face- Honesty is important. I so believe that. I would rather be honest with you than make you believe that everything is a-okay when it is not! Friendship or any relationship should be based on trust. I don't like friends who are only your friends because you only say good things to them. Why can't you accept the truth as well? Of course it's different if I'd slam the truth to your face without considering how you feel.

4. Copy cats- Yeah, there are lots of copy cats out there. People who think they'd be your friend if they are like you. As in really like you. People who you would talk to and they'd say, "Oh yeah, I'm like that too." "Oh yeah, I do feel that too." At first it would make you feel like, gosh, I have a lot in common with this person. But then you realize that you really have a LOT in common with that person already. Like, when you are in pain, that person would also say he/she is also in pain. When you're having your monthly visit, she'd have her monthly visit too! Or when your dog is sick, his/her dog is sick too! C'mon, who are you kidding now?!! Why can't you get your own identity for crying out loud!

5. People with no sense of responsibility even to themselves- I hate people who always complain about how miserable their lives are yet they are not doing anything about it! They just complain and complain and complain and they stress me out! I am not the person you should run to and complain about your life ALL THE TIME! What am I? A Psychologist? Or a relationship guru? You know what you need to do so do it! People do have problems. Friends are there to be the shoulder to cry on but it gets so annoying when you do all you can to comfort your friend but you see him/her not doing anything to solve his/her problem. He/she just loves complaining and telling the world how miserable their lives are. Just shut it! Everybody has problems too, y'know! But what do you do when you have a problem? Either you solve it or you get over it! If you complain about not having money- get a freakin' job! You can't just complain about having a crappy life because your husband or your parents are not working and you don't have any money to feed yourself. Go and earn some money, you fool!

Okay, I am just really stressed out right now. Guess I am just quite angry! I just had enough really. I HAD ENOUGH!

My daily battle

2010-02-07T18:13:00.002+08:00

I have a problem. This problem had been torturing me for many years and I try so hard to escape it. Sometimes I can handle it but there are really times when I really can't run away anymore and I would start feeling suffocated by these evil words in my head, telling me things that I know aren't real.

This voice, in my head, it tells me to do things I don't want to do to myself. It tells me that I'm no good and that I should be ashamed of myself. It tells me that life is miserable and that I should pity myself. I know everything it's telling me is wrong and untrue but the feeling it leaves me is still the same... miserable. I am fighting it and asking for outside help too but am not so sure if people truly believe me with the things that I say. I am not going crazy, you know, it's just that there's this evil voice telling me these things. It's my own little voice, maybe an alter-ego, I dunno... But this voice is making me feel like I am indeed crazy. Why can't I just enjoy and be contented with all the blessings I have today? When it started whispering me all these things again now I don't feel so blessed. I am trying to (notice my previous blog?) stay positive and count my blessings.

February 10 is a special day, it would have been our first death anniversary if we pushed through with the double suicide last year. Now, just a few days before that day, I am starting to think of doing it again... Now, solo. Of course I won't do it. Just that this suicidal tendency keeps on coming back. How foolish am I to even think about it, I am reaping God's blessings now... but why do I have this constant vision of myself jumping off our balcony? Why? I want to stop thinking about it now, I am praying for it.

The people we call friends

2010-02-05T15:17:00.004+08:00

I am a blessed person especially when it comes to friends. I have quite a few true friends and I am glad to have known these people in my life. It's really amazing, I know it's really difficult to find true friends but I'm glad I have a handful of them. Some are really close to me while some I rarely see but it doesn't mean our friendship is less real nor is it unpure. My friends live with me and stays with me no matter where I go and I know, when I need someone, I can run to them and they'll accept me. I'm amazingly blessed and can't thank God enough.

I have this particular friend who I recently got acquainted with again. It's been over a decade since we parted ways and we only became friends for a couple of years or so, when we still haven't reached adolescence. What I find amazing with this friendship is that no matter how long we haven't seen each other we are both hoping that someday we'd cross paths again. I prayed for that day to come and finally, we were able to keep in touch once more. The friendship and the closeness we have now is just the same or greater than our bond then. But, back then we were absolutely inseparable... always together. And for over 15 years that we haven't seen and communicated with each other, the longing to find that other person just grew... much like a soulmate looking for the other half of her soul. Well, I don't know about soulmates, I feel like I have more than one soulmate in my life, people who are connected to me in the most intimate ways but nothing romantic. Come on, that would be just eekie! LOL And of course, there is my husband... I can't really say that the two of us are soulmates because we are such opposites but our love is what connects us and will keep us together forever. That's a different kind of love, something so strong that you can't help but feel whole.

Aside from my husband, my friends are very important to me. I can't help but thank God for all the friends He gave me and I know each of my friends are part of my life for different reasons. I appreciate each one. I may be a lot closer to 1 or 2, but in my heart I value each one and will always love them forever. :)

Day 1 of my painful rehab

2010-01-27T20:23:00.002+08:00

My patellas are subluxated and I need physical therapy to try and align them properly. There is still a chance that rehab can fix this although it's slim. I may need double knee surgery if my rehabilitation made no improvement.

Well, I had my first session this noon and I liked it. It challenged me to do what I can. As the PT told me, I have to do it coz I really don't have any other choice. It was really painful although the exercise routine was actually quite basic. If not for the rehabilitation, I wouldn't know that I can no longer raise my leg. At first I felt sorry for myself, why did I allow myself to end up like this and all those questions but I fought the thought and just focused on what needs to be done. At one point my knee even locked and it was f^&^# painful! It didn't stop me though, I pushed through with the exercise.

I am really praying that this would help me as I don't want that surgery. At first I thought the surgery I would have is arthroscopic surgery which is an outpatient surgery only. If that's the case, I would have had that surgery right away. Not too bad. But, I'll have an open knee surgery and there's a possibility I'll have both knees done in one setting. Will it be painful? Of course. 2 months on a wheelchair then months of painful rehabilitation again. I hate what I have to go through but I really have to face this. I should have faced this before but, maybe now is just the right time. Unfortunately, it's in this year that I really want to make a big impact in my life. I wanted to make this year a great year with lots of accomplishments but, I'll end up spending about 6 months focusing on my knees. I do hope it is worth it.

I am still thankful God gave me this chance to fix my problem. I will handle the pain and will do my best to really make this work. Doc said this is something I need to do for life as my case is genetic and it will keep on coming back if I would stop exercising my leg muscles.

If there's one thing I would promise myself, it's this: I will not let this problem interfere with my dreams. I will push myself harder so in the end, I'd still succeed.

The battle...

2010-01-20T19:56:00.002+08:00

There's a fight in me, the good and the bad. Trying to be positive when the world starts to look dark is hard. But, I keep on fighting and trying to be positive. I don't wanna look at the bad things in my life now but I focus on the good things- the people in my life and all the wonderful blessings from God.

It's tough but I am proud of myself. I am doing quite well now. I am now able to handle my emotions a lot better than before. I can control anger a little bit and I can say NO to pain and depression. It is a struggle. At some point in a day I am being dragged back to my old self but all I really need to do to be positive again is to count my blessings. Being loved by a lot of people is enough reason for me to be happy and to stay positive in life. Without these people in my life, the world seemed such a sad place to be but because they always make me feel so loved, any problem don't seem so bad anymore...

I am going through something right now but remarkably, even with all these challenges that I am facing, I somehow feel enlightened. I don't feel so down and it's such a wonderful realization. God is good, He is carrying me and He gave me these people who keeps me sane just by loving me. What more can I ask? How can I not be strong when they are always making me strong? It's true... If you just know how to appreciate the little things in your life, it's really the key to contentment and happiness. Ask yourself the same question- what is it in your life right now that is worth being happy about? Don't think of the big things- think small. Even the little things like opening your eyes in the morning and able to eat, walk, smell, smile, laugh or cry. Count the number of people who loves you and would walk through fire for you and you'll know, you're one blessed person. God is good.

My heart is bleeding...

2009-12-27T23:27:00.001+08:00

I don't know, I'm just scared. Never thought my sisters could have medical problems... I am not sure if there's anything serious to worry about but... I just don't like this feeling. Lord, please give us assurance that all my sisters would be just fine... Give them long lives... Amen.

Enjoy every moment while you can

2009-11-24T00:56:00.002+08:00

I'm here for a vacation but my mind is still restless. I feel like I am not doing anything good by not earning as much as I really need to so I could help with the expenses. Oh well, I guess I'm just being self-critical. I'm here to be with my nephew and my family and I should be spending my days and enjoying each moment but why is it that I'm in such a hurry for the days to be done? Then now that I have a few more days left, it's just now that I realize I should be spending more time with them especially my niece and nephews. They are growing up so fast and the next time I'd see them they'd be much bigger.

During my first 2 days I was in dire need of going back to my husband. I couldn't believe I'm here but now I really feel like I'm back home and I feel right at home again... Guess I just have that weird feeling every once in awhile like I just couldn't breathe and I need to go back to my comfy place. But I really have to learn to embrace what I have "now" and not anticipate the future. I don't want to waste my moments because I can't wait for what will happen next.

What if there's nothing to anticipate anymore?

I'm home.... but I don't feel at home anymore

2009-11-05T22:39:00.003+08:00

I just arrived this morning. I knew it, I would feel very strange the minute I stepped foot in our house. This just don't feel like home anymore. Sure, it's still my place... This is where I spent most of my life and all that, but I'm starting to get that same feeling again similar to what I experienced when I was still new in Laguna. I was hyperventilating and I just feel like i want to explode! Why do I get to feel this way? I really don't think this is a normal reaction.

I wanna cry and I don't really understand why. Will I feel like this again when I go back to Manila? I was not like this before. What the heck is going on?!!

Negative

2009-10-19T10:43:00.002+08:00

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby... Dunno why it's so hard for us to have one when others get pregnant all the time. Why?!!

I've never been this disappointed about it before. The other day, I checked, hoping beyond hope that this time we finally conceived... but it was still negative. I just sat there, staring at the PT with disbelief... another disappointment. I wanted to cry, wanted to get angry, felt like I was imploding. But, I have to accept it. Maybe it's really not the right time. God has reasons that I still can not understand but I know, there is a reason for this.

I'm only human though. As much as I understand that everything happens as God planned it, but I still feel negative emotions when things don't go as I wished it would. Well, I guess we just have to keep trying and get ourselves checked to see what's wrong. Hope nothing's wrong... I can't accept it if we can't have a baby someday :( Pray for us.

It's called faith..

2009-09-18T07:00:00.002+08:00

Sometimes it's hard to see where life is taking you. One moment you think everything's going in this direction and within a blink of an eye, everything changed. It can be frustrating but it is now that I know God is testing me with my faith. If I knew where He is leading me, then it's not called faith 'coz you already know what is in store for you. Right now, I just hang on to my faith, 'coz I know I just followed the path that God paved for me. At first I thought I knew where those paths were taking me but right now I'm still left in the dark. But, I am confident and happy 'coz I know God is carrying me. I don't know where He's taking me but I know He won't throw me out in the pit. He's going to lead us to the right direction and He will carry us there just like in the story of footprints in the sand.... I can feel that now... When sometimes I feel God has left me but deep down in my heart I know He never will. Now that I don't see his footprints I know He is carrying me.

God is good. He will always be.

Life has hurdles... You can't run as smoothly as you wish

2009-08-29T18:41:00.002+08:00

Just when things started to feel "ok" at the office then all of a sudden this man started to say harsh words to me over the phone over something that is really not my own doing. Yes, I wrote the report but it wasn't my decision to write that. Oh well, it bothered me so much and it feels like water had been splashed over the fire that burns in me to work really hard. Good thing though, my boss is really nice. But, the fire is already gone and I'm no longer happy.

What to do? Am I acting spoiled that over something small I already want to give up on this job? I don't know... I guess I just want a perfect world... a world with not too many bad people around. I can't believe how mean people could be here... I just remember how my friend "J" would feel when she was still working in AMN. Now I feel what she felt then although in my case, my enemy is staying in a far away plant... Still, that incident bothers me up to this day and it angers me. I wish I could have fought with him and not act educated so he could taste what it feels like to fight with Lila. But... I know that would be unwise. Oh well, right now I'm just hanging in there so to speak. Just waiting for the day that I could finally resign...

What will I do next when that day comes? I don't know. :( I don't want to look for a job again... I'll hopefully have enough cash to start a biz... that would be the better life for me, I guess. I don't really know anymore. I just don't feel like I'm really up to being an employee. It's such a bummer!

If there's anything that I am most grateful for it's this...

2009-08-23T17:52:00.003+08:00

Life is hard no matter what but I am thankful for the fast-paced life I have now. Now I'm always busy and although that's not always a good thing but it turns out to be a great pill for my life-long battle of confusion and peaceless mind. I'm always worried about certain things and I get easily depressed but so far I haven't felt the same depression that I used to have, at least not on the same level as before.

For that I am really glad and I feel so blessed now. Whenever I feel nervous about projects, I just leave it as is and it's not as bad as I have imagined it. Projects kept coming and now I no longer have to worry about finances. Slowly we are gaining back what we have spent and it's such a good feeling to go positive once again. The more I recall the past experiences, the more I realize that God was pulling me away from what could have been bad decisions in my life. God is a good God indeed and although sometimes it feels like His help or redemption comes a bit too late but I know there is a good reason for everything. I'm such a believer of God before especially when 1 night I had a question about my belief in Him and He came to me in a dream and I was trembling in fear. He was mad at me for not trusting Him and I felt His power- was trembling not because I was afraid but because I was stunned that He answered me to keep me from being confused with my faith. That should have been enough to keep me believing in Him forever but things happened and I doubted Him to the point that I really hated Him. I kept asking why He would let all these things happen to me when I did nothing wrong and never intently hurt another. I've been a good child of God but why did He allow me to suffer that way? I wondered and got really angry at Him but thankfully, with good people around me telling me to continue my faith in Him, that I found my way back to Him again... it wasn't easy but everything fell into place and there's no other possible way I could explain it.

I guess it's time for me to just continue receiving the bounty that God has in store for me. I feel so blessed and I am very thankful for it. If there's anything that I truly wish for now, it's to have a baby ;) but... I guess God won't give it to me yet because it's still not the right time. I'm sure the baby will just come when God thinks it's the right time for us to move another step, a new phase in our lives, and that is to be parents... Hope I could be as loving and strict as our Father and hope I could really teach the Word of God to all my future children.

Hasta mañana 'til we meet again...

2009-07-11T19:02:00.004+08:00

Gosh, I completely forgot about this blog. Well, anyway, at least I have something nice to post on my blog again...

Met up with Kym in Figaro where she works 'coz my hubby would have his interview just a walk away from the place. Texted Jodie to come but there was no assurance that she can but thankfully, she made it! Yay! I miss my siobe so much and she knows how much I care for her and I'm happy she made it.

Anyway, here are just a few of the snaps she took using her new phone (heehee) It's one thing I always forget. As much as I want to take pictures, I often get so engrossed with the moment I spend with people that I end up forgetting about picture-taking. ;)

The three of us. Me, Jodie and Kym

With my siobe

Tres marias again

Hug from Siobe

Me and KYM!

me and pangga Kym

Smile!

AMN???

... a new beginning

2009-06-08T08:19:00.002+08:00

I'm now here in Laguna. It's been tough but it's really so much fun. I like it here... so peaceful and we're in a safe neighborhood. 1 thing I like about the place is the fact that most of my friends are just nearby. I met up with Daisy who lives a few blocks away, met up with Noreen who worked in Hitachi, met up with bestest friend Shang and her hubby Onan, met up with my chenak Reena and her husband Loi and finally, had our first guest in our apartment- my friend Gucci. Still have a lot of people I want to meet such as Rea, Kat, Greg, Hiede n baby, and Shera. Have lots of friends who live here so yay!!!

I'm happy... although it's still not complete but so far I know we made the right, yet tough, decision. This Saturday we'd be going to Reena's house for an overnight celebration of Alain's birthday which is on Sunday, June 14. That's a Father's Day so we had to push it a day before. He'll cook baby back ribs while he, Loi and Loi's barkada would drink beer while Reena and I will just watch hahaha! It'll be fun!... I hope! ;)

It's not my fault

2009-05-17T23:51:00.002+08:00

This is something that I need to internalize and absorb. I feel so stressed out about our situation and I always, always, want to make sure everything will go according to plan. It's not that I feel guilty, but I feel so horrible about the painful ordeal last February. I often end up feeling as if I was the one who caused all of this and that I'm the one who needs to prove myself to people. But, as what they always tell me, this is not my fault.

I am the victim here and I'm not the one who should exert this much effort to get things done. I'm not the one and I need to relax a little bit. But how can I?!!

Going beyond my capacity

2009-05-17T00:58:00.002+08:00

I try to put some sense into things but my mind just couldn't figure it out. I am trying to breathe, get some relaxation, unwind, and just forget it all but no matter how I try I just end up failing and going back to my depressive state. I try to look beyond and imagine what the future holds but I am so afraid because I can't see any satisfaction or happiness waiting for me. I can't help but feel scared that this pain, this undying pain inside me, will linger on for all eternity.

Is there hope? Is there any light at the end of this tunnel? Can I still truly smile again?

The Thought Of You...

2009-05-04T11:28:00.002+08:00

Everyday I can't stop thinking about our dog Kingkong. I loved him so much and we spoilt him a lot. Until now I still can't believe he is indeed gone. I had dogs in the past but I usually cry once and get on with my life, don't know why now it's a different story. I cry every night. Not just some tears flowing but, I really cry. When I look at his photos, it feels like I'm stabbing myself over and over again. It hurts so much! Maybe it's because we considered him as our baby and not just a dog. He was my companion and he stays with me all the time. Where I go, he goes... When I sleep, he sleeps just under the bed next to me and I can always hear his snore. Now, none.

Last night I carried Frosty in my arms... I know someday she, too, will leave me. I took a closer look at her, saving the image of her in my memory. I hugged her and enjoyed her doggy scent. I love Frosty too and when it was Frosty who once fought for her life, I cried so hard and couldn't stop worrying about her. But, she fought for her life and she's still with me now. I treat her as my baby too and when it's her time to leave me, I know it will stab my heart again... I am just trying to be ready for that day, by feeling her and making sure I truly experienced being with my doggy.

I guess, same thing should be done to people too. You really don't know when they will leave you for good. Whether they'd die or they'd just leave you and you'll never see them again. You'll never have your moment with that person and you'll only regret it. I would want to have my own little moments with the people who are really special to me. I want to store that memory in my mind... the more special the memory, the better. I want to recall that memory over and over again whenever I miss the person because I know, it's only I who shared that memory with that person. At that moment it's just me and that person and we're the only ones sharing that moment... and it's a memory worth cherishing forever.

Good or BAD

2009-05-03T02:04:00.002+08:00

I keep telling myself and other people that I'm really not a bad person. That I am really a good person. But, being good or bad is really just a tag. You can call yourself a good person because you think you are naturally good but fact is, we are all naturally good and naturally BAD or EVIL at the same time. It just depends on which side you choose at that particular moment in your life.

Do you want to be tagged as a good person or do you want to be tagged as bad?

Maybe I am generally a good person but as of the moment, I choose to be tagged as BAD because I refuse to follow what my conscience dictates. Will I choose the good tag again? Of course! But not at the moment.

Having an Enemy

2009-05-03T01:57:00.002+08:00

It's really easy to love a person but I never thought it's really hard to hate another person. Hate is such a strong emotion that it consumes you. I never really had an enemy in my life but now. It's a weird feeling really. I hate that person(s) so much but deep inside me I feel it's wrong. Like, I know that person also has feelings and I feel bad that I have this hatred against that person(s). I feel... guilty. Weird, huh?

I am just not used to this feeling. I sometimes imagine that person(s) crying, in pain 'coz of what had transpired. I feel happy imagining that but at the same time it makes me sad. I don't want to cause another person pain... I really don't... but they caused me tremendous amount of pain that I just can't let them feel victorious over me again.

It's an emotional struggle for me to hate another human being. But, they put this on to themselves. They caused this and not me. I am just being true to myself. I was hurt, humiliated and broken. I just don't want them to be a part of my life again and that means they do not deserve my forgiveness and forgiveness I will not give them.

Unless, they say sorry to me. Which, I know will never ever happen. But, if they would, I'd forgive them in a heartbeat.

I dream of being a princess on my own fairy tale...

2009-05-02T19:58:00.002+08:00

I used to believe in fairy tales... They always face hardships and in the end they have their happy ending and everybody's happy except for the villains, of course.

I no longer believe in fairy tales. I realized they just live in books and movies but not in real life. I am stuck with the hardship part but, there is no happy ending waiting for me.

What would make you remember me?

2009-04-30T11:04:00.003+08:00

I just got inspired to write this blog entry by one statement that a very good friend of mine said to me last night. She said things remind her of me and I'm thought of on a regular basis. Aww, that's enough to melt anybody's heart, right? It did mine. And I thank you J for being such a sweet and loving friend. You are always thought of as well. :)

Anyway, it made me also come up with a list of things and dates that may send a "Lila" shockwave to my friends and family whenever I'm already gone and I want to share them here.

1) Pork and Beans- When I was a little girl, mom and dad would be sending us balikbayan boxes from the states and there they always add at least 3 giant pork and beans cans just for me. When dad left us, I was just a year old I think and when mom left, I was like over 2 years old already. Was still a fat kid then but when they left us, my weight dropped rapidly and I came from being this fat and cute little baby to an almost malnourish-looking kid. LOL! Maybe it's the effect of suddenly losing your parents and doesn't understand why. Anyway, they made sure they bring me pork and beans 'coz that's the only food I liked to eat... And I really liked it. In fact, there is not enough supply just to feed me. LOL! When they decided to go home instead of continuing their plan of taking all of us there, they came home with lots of balikbayan boxes still and they had pork and beans cans inside as well... for me. I may have outgrown those pork and beans that I didn't eat them anymore. Maybe, mom & dad were upset that they weren't able to actually see me eat those pork & beans that they regularly sent just for their little girl... Up until now, when mommy sees me eat pork & beans, she'd always say that that's what they would always put in those balikbayan boxes for me... Aww...

2.) My birthday- Of course, it's my birthday!

3.) My guitar- I've been playing my guitar for over 6 months now. It's an on and off thing but since I'm the only one in our family who really wanted to learn how to play an instrument, this will definitely remind them of me. For sure when they hear somebody else playing the same songs that I usually play, they'd say "Lila used to play that all the time." Then they would start to cry. ;)

4.) My mugs- I liked collecting mugs. I was fascinated by them and I still am although not the same way as before. Most of the mugs we use at home are mine but I now share them with my family since mom never really cared whose mugs those are, she just grabbed one she liked and that used to REALLY upset me. Grr!

5.) Computers- This is because whenever they have problems with the computer, they always shout my name as if I'm a technician who can fix just about any PC problems there is! I do try and I usually succeed but it kinda get so annoying that they became dependent on me that they don't even dare troubleshoot it themselves. If I am gone, they have no one to call when there's a PC problem anymore and that would really imbalance them here. I know that for sure.

6.) My room- Why, I stay here most of the time and when they need to look for me it's the first place they check. LOL! I think you can capture most of my energy from this room.

7.) Frosty- She's my only remaining dog... She's mine... all other dogs here are my sister's.

8.) The 23rd- Alain would remember me every 23rd of the month. We used to celebrate this every month but I asked to stop celebrating it since that incident on February that deeply wounded me. I no longer want to celebrate this day 'coz it's also the day that my heart got deeply broken. Nonetheless, it's an important day in our relationship... both good and bad.

9.) My portfolio- It's in my computer and I kept some of my written articles. They are not to be published again, of course. But I just want to track down the number of articles I already wrote. I have this "Lila" folder on my desktop and my sisters don't bother opening that since they know there's nothing interesting there. But, maybe, when I'm gone they would be curious enough to see what's in there. I remember, the night before we attempted something bad... I left a goodbye letter in that folder... explaining everything and telling them I love them a lot... Good thing we changed our minds that day and I was happy to delete that file when I got back home.

10.) Lastly, this blog. It's one of the reasons why I wanted to put up an online blog in the first place. It's my memory... People can open their browser, type in this address and start to feel me... I posted all my up's and down's here and hope they'd have hours and hours of reading time as they browse through each entry. I reveal my soul in this blog and it's what I want to leave behind to the people who cares and loves me. I don't just want to share the good side of me here, I want to share the bad as well. It's not all about happy memories, but I write all my pains as well. This blog is a reflection of me.

The Noose!

2009-04-22T01:06:00.003+08:00

So tempting!

Again, I am not in my best state. Depression sinks in once more, over the same problem that continues to torture me. I wonder if this is something that I deserve. Maybe I've done something really horrible (of course I am not err-free) that God wanted to punish me this way. I'm wrapped with confusion once again. Don't know what's the right thing to do and which plan should I push through.

I am planning on leaving for Cebu by next month but it's still just a plan. When I'm there I don't ever want to go back to my life here. I am tormented here. Life sucks here. I'm wounded and the wound is so deep that recovering from it may be impossible. I just want to break free.

Nothing's going the way I want. I'm just getting more and more upset each day that I don't see any glimmer of hope in my future. I just don't understand why I have to go through this. And, I feel so alone. Am I alone in this fight? I really feel that way... He is there, trying to help me but he seems to be adding more to my pain. His efforts are useless and I end up putting him down, making him feel like such a loser. I don't mean to do that... But, I am just being bitter and honest. I am in pain and I don't deserve this. This should be his problem and his alone. Why did I suffer such humiliation? Why did he let me suffer this way? Why wasn't he able to protect me from them? How will he be able to protect me in the future then?

I feel so lost and wasted. I wish I could drink until I get so drunk! I feel so angry and bitter and remorseful. I just hate my life right now. Nothing can seem to fill my heart anymore. I need some joy back in my life... some reasons for me to be happy. But, what is there left for me?

Why?

2009-04-10T23:55:00.001+08:00

There are moments in life
When you just want to explode
When things stopped making sense
And you end up asking “why?”

There are moments in life
When you just want to cry
When the pain is unbearable
And you end up asking “why?”

There are moments in my life
When it’s hard to hold on
When sanity is slowly drifting
And I just can’t stop asking “why?”

I kept on asking “Why?”
“Why me?” “Why this?”
But I never got any straight answer
And they just say “There’s a reason why”

Everything has a reason they say,
Why good people are killed,
Bad people live full lives,
Young people perish without a cause,
And so on and so on…

But they say it’s all in God’s plan,
What is His plan really?
But, there is no point in asking
For I know I won’t get any real answer
Only that “There is a reason why”

The simple things I want...

2009-04-05T03:37:00.002+08:00

Life can be really chaotic and people work hard because we are programmed to work hard. If we won't work then we have nothing to eat and there's no money to pay the bills. I've been quite busy lately too and feeling kinda lonely... Life's not how it used to be and somehow, I have learned to accept it. Guess I am slowly moving on.

I just started thinking about the things that I want in life and I come to realize that there are lots of things I want and wanna do that are really simple but unfortunately, it's not something people would accept seeing me doing these things but maybe, just maybe, I can do it someday.

Here are just a few of the things I really want to experience...

1. fly a kite- I always dreamed of flying a kite but for whatever reason it just doesn't seem "proper" for me to even fly a kite. I used to remember our helper, he made this kite and he flew it and I was so amazed by it. I held on the nylon thread for a moment too and it was fun. After that, I wanted to fly the kite but they told me I shouldn't coz it's embarrassing to run around trying to fly the kite in our village. LOL! But, who knows? Maybe someday I can fly a kite on my own.

2. Buy delicious-looking and smelling juice sold by street vendors. I remember once I smelled those juice while I was passing by and they smell really nice but I was told never to buy street foods especially those juices because they are dirty. Alain on the other hand is a guy who doesn't care where he buys food and he got amoeba for that! Now that we're a couple, he is not allowed to buy street foods too but deep down, I am envious because I haven't tasted those. Maybe someday I can?... Maybe not.

3. Go to city fiestas- I am 26 years old but I've never really been to a fiesta before. Don't know what people do during fiestas. Do they all celebrate at home like people celebrate Christmas? I have this image that people open up their doors and allow just anybody to come in and eat with them. Is that how fiestas are held? I wonder... Never been to one yet but I sure want to experience a local fiesta someday.

4. Go to local carnivals- There are local carnivals that come and go and I see people really having fun there. They have very simple games and yeah, I've been to those too but I just don't feel so welcomed by these people. Dunno, just a feeling I guess. But, I also want to enjoy what these simple people enjoy 'coz they look so happy riding those rusted ferris-wheels and riding those scary-looking rides that are scary because of the rusted metal that holds their dear life. LOL!

5. Play street games like patintero- As a kid I usually just sit on one corner and watch my friends play. They all look so happy but I never really played those games. As a young kid I already am quite vain because I didn't want to sweat while I'm in school and go home with dirt all over my uniform. If I could just turn back time, I'd really go back to that moment and instead of just watching them play, I'd join them. I never got to enjoy my childhood... I always felt off as a kid. Didn't feel like I was a kid actually, was too mature for my age. Now they say I am quite immature as I enjoy going to arcades and playing games there religiously. Well, what can I say? Never too late to start enjoying, right? At least now I don't mind sweating a little even in public. I used to hate sweating because it feels... dirty LOL!

Also, I remember seeing pictures of former "companions" enjoying themselves while they went out and swam on a lake. I imagined that lake is also visited by carabaos (LOL) but they all look so happy. I wonder, 'coz knowing myself I wouldn't dare swim there but maybe... just maybe... it'll be fun too. But I also know that I just wouldn't fit in with their group. I never did really... I tried but I just don't belong to their world.

Maybe people just couldn't enjoy the best of both worlds. No matter which side you're in, there are times really that you would feel like an outsider looking in and just say, I wish I could do that too or I wish I can have that too. People are just never satisfied.

So what have I been up to?

2009-04-02T15:26:00.002+08:00

I'm on a moving-on stage and so far, I am not that successful. LOL Well, I don't think I can really move on in the sense that I don't think I can actually forgive those people who did me wrong. Anyway, this post is not about that but about my guitar playing.

I'm so happy! I can play some songs now, at least those with chords that I already know... the basic ones ;) I love playing guitar now as it is so relaxing and fun. When I don't write articles, I either play poker, runescape or I practice playing my guitar and all these activities are done in my room. Yes, I stay in my room most of the time. I just go out to eat and watch a bit of TV when I need a breather. Pathetic, huh?

Well, at least I'm earning! LOL Guess this is how I try to move on... by staying IN.

Scientific Laws vs. Death

2009-03-08T11:03:00.007+08:00

"Energy Can Not Be Created Nor Destroyed." or e=mc^2

Also,

"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction."

These are scientific laws by Newton and Einstein and if I try to think of it and compare it to a person's life, it only drives me to the conclusion that indeed there is life after death. What is the opposite and equal reaction of death? It's life, right? Our soul is energy so when we die that energy is neither created nor destroyed so even though it won't be the same energy but it's still there, just converted into something else.

They say our energy is converted into heat which is then used by insects and larvae as they eat our flesh and use our bodies as their maternity ward but for me, it goes far more than that. We leave our body but our soul is in itself an energy that goes some place else. Does it go straight to God? I sure hope that is true but even though we can't really conclude on this, it still feels great knowing that when we die our soul or energy or whatever you call it would go some place else.

My ninang died, my most loved dog died and a famous filipino rapper just died. I wonder how many people are mourning the same way I do right now. I'm intoxicated with pain right now. First, my wedding got... well, cancelled then I lost my favorite ninang then the dog who is always beside me and keeps me company died. I must say his death deeply affected me in ways that people can't understand. I couldn't understand it either. He is just a dog really but why such an impact in my life? Maybe it's because I am already going through a lot and I named him as one of the reasons in this world that should make me happy and all of a sudden, even he left me.

Just thinking about Newton's and Einstein's Laws give me hope somehow. I know my ninang is somewhere and my favorite dog is somewhere now as well. It's better to think of them just moving to a different phase but are not totally gone. I would like to hold on to them, not so they won't be free, but so I could wish them a good journey to the other life.

To my Ninang Mila, you left us so sudden but we know you are happy now. You lived a full life and you showed us the true meaning of being a Christian. You lived a Christian life and I know you are now with our Creator in heaven. To my baby Kingkong (aya Kingkong)- me, Alain and your siobe Frosty would always remember you and love you. I still cry every time I see your picture or video but I know we gave you the best life we possibly could give you. We pampered you, feed you with the best foods, gave you Yakult, spoiled you, loved you and made you feel special. In your short life I know you were happy and that gives me comfort.

I can't believe you're gone...

Rest in Peace my baby.

A Tribute to my baby... KingKong

2009-02-28T22:26:00.002+08:00

Kingkong, your death was so sudden that we were not prepared. I admit, I was at fault, has taken you for granted that day because of all the chaos but I never thought it would end your life. I am so sorry my baby. Your death pains me so much. I could not believe our baby is now gone. The thought of you still brings me to tears. I loved you so much... too much. Alain and I will miss you and will always remember you. I loved you, I still love you and will always love you. No dog can replace you.

Rest in Peace, my baby :'''''''''''''''''(

Tribute to my Ninang Mila

2009-02-17T08:36:00.004+08:00

My Ninang Mila died this morning due to cardiac arrest. It was very shocking as she only had fever and loose bowel movement yesterday. Was supposed to talk to her yesterday and apologize because my wedding won't push through. She was my "ninang sa binyag" and she was supposed to be one of my "ninang sa kasal" as well. A couple of nights ago she called me up and asked what happened. I explained to her and she said I can just go to her if I need any comfort or help. I appreciated it. She's the only ninang I had who gave me gifts every Christmas until I reached 18. I love my ninang Mila. I do. She lives just across our house and she's a very caring woman.

I didn't get enough rest the past days and this morning I was awakened by this shocking news. I feel sad... I loved my ninang Mila and now all of a sudden she's gone. If only I knew about her condition I would have asked them to bring her to the doctor yesterday when it was still not too late. All the what if's but, I didn't know any better. No one did. Maybe it's just really her time. It's sad that she even had her gown made in preparation for my wedding. Maybe now that's what she'll be wearing for her final resting place. I'm sad and very shocked. She's the closest person in my heart who died. And it's so sudden. And during this very hard ordeal in my life. Maybe she'll be my guardian angel. Maybe what she said to me, the last words she said to me, would remain true even until now. That maybe I can still go to her if I need comfort and when I need help... just maybe, she said those words for a reason. I dunno... maybe I am just being emotional here. I am just thankful that her death was swift... not too painful. I just feel bad for the husband though. They already accepted that he'd be the first to go since he is, well, dying. But, who would've thought she'd go first. Who would have thought?

My ninang Mila is like my second mother and I will forever remember her and will always have a place in my heart. She always had... she always will. Goodbye ninang... Have a happy journey back to our home...

My heart is empty

2009-02-16T01:07:00.002+08:00

I feel like a big chunk of my soul is lost. Letting go is so hard but it's what I had to do. There won't be a wedding anymore because of what's happening. I just feel so alone this time. I have friends who are offering help and I appreciate that but I still feel so alone.

I don't know what God wants me to learn from all these. I can't believe I have to experience such pain. Why me? Why let me go through with this? Why me? I am not strong enough. I can't handle problems as easily as some people, I succumb right away. Yeah, maybe they're right. I am still immature. I still can't handle situations well but, who could handle such problems as the ones I am facing? It's so easy to judge me but be in my shoes and tell me, how does it feel?

I feel so choked, I feel so lost, I feel so angry and I hate my life. I do. I hate my life but life has to go on even despite everything. I just want to know what God wants me to learn. I just want to know what good will this do for me in the future. What?!!

I am keeping my faith. I am trying so hard to be back on track and walk hand in hand with God again but it's just so hard. I am slowly losing grip once more but I am not letting go. Not this time... Not anymore. I just hope that He is helping me do the right thing. I hope I am doing the right thing. I don't want to worry anymore, I feel so drained that I can't worry anymore. I want to be happy, just want to be happy. Is that really too much to ask? Why is happiness so hard to achieve? I am not asking much but just a normal life, a life where we could be free, but why is it so hard for me to have?

I need prayers and not pity so please don't feel sorry for me.

Just another ordinary day...

2009-02-09T23:02:00.002+08:00

Saying goodbye is hard. I just want to say thank you to all who made life worth living for me. I love my friends and my family a lot but, sometimes, people have to make decisions in their lives.

Have nothing much to say here actually. Just that, I needed to make a new post here. To those people that I love, let me just say this to you. I love you all very much. Don't think I don't. Don't think I'm selfish. I'm not. I just need to do some things because there's no other way...

And the point of this post is?

2009-02-02T22:44:00.004+08:00

Well, as it turns out, I may not leave Bacolod after all. Although I still want to push for my plans but, with the way the economy is going right now I think that plan would have to be postponed or cancelled.

I've been pushing and pushing for things to happen to my life that they end up happening quite the opposite of what I wanted. It can be very disappointing but I believe it's because it's really not meant to be. I can't say it's because I believe I should leave everything to God. I mean, yeah I believe in Him but I don't think I should just let Him decide everything for me. If that's the case then there's really no point why He gave us brains, right? This is not a religious post, mind you. It's just that I get so disappointed in myself sometimes when I don't get what I wanted or planned but now I finally admit that it's time for me to take the back seat. I'll just let everything slide because people around me are getting dizzy with my on and off plans. I am quite dizzy too but it's just that I want to be practical before I take the plunge.

---

On another note, I just found out that Oprah Winfrey does not believe in God. I don't think she really is an atheist but more of, she worships herself. I can't actually debate with her belief because she has some points too that you can only depend on yourself and if you want anything, it's only you who can make it come true. I am actually agreeing to her in that sense but I don't think it's still right to worship yourself and reject the idea of onethat there is a God. I am just amazed that the most powerful woman in the world (based on my own opinion) actually does not believe in God and she gets a lot of respect from the society and she has a lot of money. Religious people would say, if you are not with God then you are nothing. Well, Oprah is not with God but she has everything so doesn't that just contradict what those religious people say? Of course I am not being sarcastic about religion here but then, I think I also have a point there. I just think that we really are the ones in control of our lives. If we fail and we feel miserable in our lives then it's only ourselves who are to be blamed. We make our own reality and if you're not happy with your life then you can't go and blame God for that 'coz it's you who made yourself that. Oprah believes that too and look at her now. She made herself that way that's why she is that. I think we should also learn from Oprah although I don't acknowledge the kind of religion she is trying to teach the society (although I know I sound like a believer already). The fact is I do believe in God and although I may be really angry at Him sometimes but I can not deny my faith in Him. Not an Oprah or any other person can make me do that.

---

I recently got this new idea for a business (again) and this time I am really thinking of trying it out too. After the detergent biz that actually was taken away from me, I now want to create my own brand of scents. Yes, I want to make scents... colognes, perfumes, etc. I am so fascinated by this because it may seem like a simple chemistry but the magic really comes in mixing the right scents to create a great and unique fragrance. I don't want to copy any fragrance because that will make my brand look cheap. I want to create my own new fragrances and sell them. I am so excited but I need a lot of money to put up this biz. I don't want to use cheap oils, I want the expensive ones! hehe! Oh well, wish me luck! I really want to start this new biz!

---

Been sick for 6 days now and I'm still counting. I don't know why I got this sick but I really hate this feeling. I can't do anything much as I easily get tired and I just want to rest. My throat hurts now and I'm still very dizzy. I just hope that I'll feel better soon. Gosh, I'm getting married in less than a month! I suddenly feel butterflies in my tummy. Whew! Hopefully I won't faint! heehee!

That's it for now. I wasn't able to post much the past month and I may not be able to post another blog entry any time soon so might as well post everything I can think of right now! ;)

After all the drama, I'm finally getting married

2009-01-20T00:15:00.002+08:00

Well, I was really depressed for weeks but now I feel much better. After all that had happened, at least we are still pushing through with the wedding. I'm glad everything worked out for the better and this actually taught me a lot of things.

1. My sisters love me so much and they'll do everything to protect me from harm
2. Dad loves me a lot too
3. I should not be angry at God whenever I feel like life is so unfair
4. I have friends who really care for me
5. I should not keep my problems to myself.

It's a painful ordeal but won't talk about it here. hehe! But, I learned lessons from it and I have moved on from it. I just thank God that He helped us through the ordeal. Finally, our wedding will push through. Yep, I am getting married in a church! :) I'm so happy!

Something Borrowed, Something New, Something Old, Something Blue...

2009-01-12T00:37:00.003+08:00

I am making a new blog entry here simply because I feel the need to. The start of the year is pretty tough for me. I thought the New Year will bring something better for me but, here I am, feeling even more miserable and hopeless.

I'm still trying to be hopeful. Not that I am still hoping things will turn out better but I am hoping to be stronger. Got to face the fact that I need to be much stronger if I want to survive this life. God's throwing me huge stones and I am already starting to feel the pain of each throw. Maybe everything's just accumulating or maybe I'm just hoping that He'd stop throwing me these heavy stones because I already threw in the towel but, maybe He just wanna test me to my limits. Or maybe, He wants me to write my own story and send it to MMK so Charo could share it to all Filipinos *giggles*. I really don't know what His plans are for me but I'd rather stop being angry at Him for all of these things that are happening right now. I'd rather just be numb about it for now or at least try as much as I can to just not think about my problems but sometimes, I just feel so sorry for myself. Why the hell am I experiencing these dramas in my life? Why?!!

There's too much hurt already that lately I wish every day that God would just take me away. I wish for an accident or maybe for me to just not wake up 1 morning. I just feel so fed up with the world but I can't just take my own life... but maybe if there will be more pain, I might end up just doing that. Of course, I am just saying this.

Anyway, I am just venting. I need a way to let this out as I don't want to experience what I experienced last night. I think I hyperventilated or something. Maybe it was an anxiety attack, I dunno... just doesn't feel nice. It totally freaked me out! Wait, maybe I was just freaked out and 'coz I was freaked out then I got freaked out by being freaked out? Err... Now I'm confused!

My hand hurts but I love it...

2009-01-08T16:32:00.002+08:00

Kept banging the wall today, was so angry that I had to let out some steam. I can't shout, that'd be too scandalous so instead I ended up hurting myself again. I banged the wall with my hand until it was really red. It hurts so much but I like it 'coz it made me cry. I needed to cry... I am in so much pain and I feel so angry. Nice way to start the new year, huh? I really lost all hope now... hitting rock bottom isn't a good feeling.

I am horribly depressed right now, feel like life is really so unfair. Don't know what awful thing I've ever done in my life that I am punished like this. I know I did something bad too but is this my punishment? This is just too much! I am so angry at the world, I am so bitter and frustrated. I was already barely hanging on but I never thought it'll end to this. This is even worse than before. This is not how I wanted to happen, I imagined this to be a happy moment in my life but no, it's the most horrifying experience in my life and I just want the world to stop... to just end. I want to vommit in great disgust over what my life ended up to be, I can't believe all these and it's all really happening to me. It's not just a sad story from a movie, it's really happening to me and it left me bitter, angry, resentful, deranged and I don't know what else... unspiritual?

I think I need to hurt my hand even more, I still need to vent even more. I need to cry more and I need to get away from my reality even just for awhile. Life is full of crap, it's amazing how my life turns to the worse and worse and worse, the evil train just doesn't wanna stop. I hope one night my life will just be snatched away from me and I can't wake up. I've never been this angry my entire life. Nice welcome to 2009... so nice!

What a nice 1st post for the year.

Christmas Massacre

2008-12-26T22:23:00.005+08:00

I was shocked when I read the news about a massacre during a great Christmas party. If you haven't read it yet, then here's the link

http://ph.news.yahoo.com/ap/20081226/twl-santa-shooting-1be00ca.html

If there's anything about this story that got me affected, it's with the little girl who opened the door to greet Santa. I just imagine how that little girl felt when she was about to open the door. Perhaps she was very excited that she'll open the door for Santa and when she saw Santa she must've had that big smile on her face just like any other kid would've smiled whenever they see Santa. Santa had a big Santa bag with him and when he pulled something from that bag, her eyes might have sparkled in pure excitement, waiting for what a great Santa goody awaits her... only to see a handgun pointed straight at her. And that's... that's the last thing she ever saw in her life that was cut way too short. by a deranged man in a Santa costume :(

She's just one of 8 people who were murdered that night, while a few were able to flee. It was supposed to be a great Christmas party, one that this family always have during Christmas. Only because this guy got a divorce, even if let's say it was a horrible divorce and he has a very sad story to tell, it doesn't give him the right to kill those innocent people. Nothing is worth killing another.

Let's all pray for the lives of these people and also for the man who committed this horrible horrible thing who also committed suicide right after.
----------------

Our Christmas was fun. We gave a total of 3 gifts to each of our helpers here, all 17 of them were here and celebrated Christmas with us. Our christmas party was focused on giving them gifts and making them happy. It was a fun Christmas.

Tyra, our black labrador, gave birth to a cute little puppy during our Christmas party. She gave birth to just 1 pup. Unfortunately, he died the next day... Tyra kept crying for hours 'coz her baby is dead :( It was kinda sad.

I'm not busy lately, don't have any jobs to do and my PC crashed. Actually, it overheated and the power supply thingie exploded. Thank God the motherboard was just fine. I'm searching for jobs as I'm planning to get a "real" job by March of 2009. Wish me luck! Hope God will help me make the right decision as this isn't just any other decision. I will move away from my family and I need to get this right. My friend Jodie's telling me to rely on Him and not be too focused on what I want, but what He wants for me. Oh well... I guess I'm just a bit edgy lately and I just want to have the right decision instantly that's why I get easily irritated. lol!

Well, got nothing more to add... Have a Happy New Year Everyone!

Merry Christmas to all!

2008-12-18T23:10:00.002+08:00

As I became older, I no longer feel the magic of Christmas. The excitement fades more and more each year but still, every Christmas day I still feel its magic. Families come together to celebrate this wonderful day and what I like most about Christmas is the gift giving. No, I am not after the gifts I receive but more of, I like to see the smiles in everyone who receives a gift. There's too much love in a room during this day and that's really what Christmas is all about. Sure, we are all busy with our day to day lives that we often forget about the little things that really mean so much to us. Christmas is a time for our families and we should all keep the spirit of Christmas alive in each one of us. Oh how I wish I'm still that little girl who's always so excited about Christmas. I may not be that little kid anymore but I do value Christmas and feel the special meaning of that day. It's the day that our Christ was born. It's the day that we should all pray and thank our Lord for all the blessings we received and thank Him for all the pains that we experienced because that's what makes us stronger.

Lately, I've been in so much emotional pain that I even stopped praying. Not that I abandoned God but I was just too hurt to even talk to Him. A friend was telling me to go back to Him even when I am in pain but I really just let her words go from one ear and out the other (if you can say that! We were just chatting. LOL) But, God is so good that He made me feel His love for me and showed me how greatly blessed I am compared to others. My anger faded away and I started living my life normally again. I was back to being happy and I guess that's really how God wanted me to be... happy! :) And... it's almost Christmas! And God gave me a wonderful gift... lotsa projects! haha! I needed money badly and I'm glad He gave me these projects so I could save for next year's plans. Woohoo!

God is so good! Merry Christmas to all!

What It's Like...

2008-12-09T16:03:00.002+08:00

I feel like I'm drowning but there's no water. I feel suffocated and I try to breathe but there's no air of relief for me. They say I should just snap out of it and not even allow it to come and visit me but, I tried all that and it's still here and it's making my life miserable. I want this out of my life as much as people get irritated when I am like this. Normally, I am a happy and very positive person but when I get drowned with my miseries then I'm starting to slip out of what people would consider "normal". I hide... hide what I feel inside 'coz I don't want to burden those around me. But, it makes it even worse.

Is there anyone who understands me even without trying? I feel so alone with my battle that I often isolate myself just so I could be free to feel what I feel and find answers to my own questions. Why do I even have to suffer like this? It's just not fair... so unfair. But, I need to be strong and to keep holding on... but for how long? How long can I do this?

"Snap out of it, Lila. You're much better than that. Get up, stand up and fight!"
"What to do? Why am I in pain? I can't hold on... Can't hang on. Give up now."
"You're such a mess. You're horrible. The world won't even notice when you're gone so why still stay here? Go!"
"Can't go away... It'll hurt the people around me. My love won't be able to take it and he can't cope with the pain I have caused. I can't go."
"Time will eventually heal all wounds and the pain you caused will eventually be forgotten. Go, free yourself."
"You're cursed. Probably because you deserve it. You're a bad person."
"I did nothing wrong to deserve this. Why do I live this kind of life?"

--so many voices inside my head... gives me headaches and it consumes me... I hate these voices but they don't ever stop!---

I'm home. :)

2008-12-09T00:20:00.003+08:00

Finally, I'm back home. It's weird coz I was gone for just 2 weeks but everything around here looks very different. Our house got a new paint job, my room's cabinet is now looking good, and my dogs look very different. Kingkong loss some weight and I was shocked when I saw him, probably why they say pugs don't recover very well when their masters leave them. Frosty looks very beautiful though :)

I missed the not-so-busy streets of my city, I missed the familiar venues and faces, and of course, I missed Alain a lot.

***It's the first time I experienced traveling on a bad weather and I must say, it's a great experience. The entire visayas area was covered with thick clouds and I just can't help myself but enjoy the unworldly beauty of the world up above. With an endless sea of thick clouds underneath us and gigantic and scary-looking clouds ahead, nature is so beautiful that even though it can be really scary you just can't help but appreciate its beauty.***

With all the Chaos- I learned a lesson

2008-12-03T21:01:00.004+08:00

*I thank God for giving my dad a second chance in life. Yep, dad had a successful surgery and in just a couple of days he'd be out of the hospital already but he still can't take a plane home so they'd be staying here for awhile while I decided to go home before them.*

It's been pretty tough lately and it's not just because of what happened to my dad. Lately, I just received news about a problem I need to face back home. Also, there is another problem... but won't share about that here or to anyone. I'm just so sick and tired of my life that I just wish I'd be transformed into a very different person. I try to force myself to think positive but, it's just so hard when you can barely breathe and another problem pops its ugly face again.

I'm drained but, somehow, I realized something. I realized that I forgot to love myself and now I am convinced that it's what I have been searching for in my life. I always knew there was something I need to do but I just can't figure out what it is. Now, I think I found what I've been searching for... I need to love myself and live my life not just for everyone else but for me. I need to do what I want to do and not just do things that I know won't hurt the people I care about. I need to take the plunge and live my life.

I am quite a risk taker and I want to achieve whatever I set my mind to and that's what I plan to do. Hopefully this time, no one would oppose. I need to do this for me and not for anyone else. I will spread my wings again and start to fly.

Pls help my family pray for dad's operation

2008-11-23T00:05:00.002+08:00

Dad, my sister, my aunt, our maid and I will all be flying to Manila this Tuesday for dad's scheduled heart operation at the Philippine Heart Center. We are hoping that there would be a miracle and he won't need a surgery but if there's no miracle then dad will have to undergo a bypass surgery. It's a painful and dangerous surgery and I do ask for all your prayers that it will be successful and with zero complications. We will stay there for at least 3 weeks and I am hoping that we'll arrive in Bacolod with our dad being as healthy as ever.

Since my dad's heart attack our lives are simply not the same. Everything feels much harder now and we can feel the stress and tension in the air. Although we are being positive and trying to take things lightly but every now and then we just can't hide the tension and fear in one another. We have nothing to hold on to except our faith that God will see us through all these. God helped my dad when he had a heart attack where the doctors said they were amazed that dad survived it. They say usually people with that type of heart attack are DOA or dead on arrival but dad survived it and we are happy with that. Every moment we have with him is considered a blessing although every now and then I get so fed up with him because he is sooooo stubborn! Hey, I guess that means I got that part of me from my dad??? LOL!

We love our dad and although I don't have an affectionate family and we don't even know what happens to each other's lives, but in times like this we start being a family again. It's weird really but emotions flow only when something bad happens and the strength of our bond as a family is tested. Glad we pulled it through and I am still hoping that everything will be okay. Please do pray for us. I can't imagine life without our dad... can't imagine what I'd feel when I'd lose a person that I love... But I am being positive although deep inside I am a bit scared for him. He will be facing the hardest battle of his life yet and all we can do is just support him. We can't help fight his battle to survive, all we can do is pray and ask for even more prayers because I know God will provide us what we need and God makes miracles and God is the Ultimate Healer.

Please do pray for my dad. My family will deeply appreciate it.

What a beautiful day!

2008-11-18T00:39:00.005+08:00

Today was a great day. We had a birthday party and by far this is the best birthday party ever! Why? Because I was surprised by my sisters and my hubby! Before my trip to Manila, they already contacted hubby to buy me a birthday cake too and that everything should be kept a secret. So all this time I was thinking they totally neglected me! It was fine by me though but of course when I saw my small but wonderful birthday cake I just can't help but smile. :)

The party was not perfect with some minor problems but everything went smoothly and it was a blast. I had so much fun on our 3 in 1 party and after how many years, I got another cake! LOL! I remember my last cake was a congratulations cake for graduating college! My sister bought me a cute yet childish congratulations cake in shape of a girl that I thought looked like Susie of Susie and Geno LOL! Imagine? I was 20 years old and they gave me that type of cake! LOL! At least this time, my cake is decorated with flower icings. It's simple compared to my niece's and dad's extravagant cakes! Well, this is a grand birthday for them though, dad is 60 and my niece has just turned 1. The three of us stood in front of our guests while they were singing the happy birthday song and each one of us blew our candles. I kept my candles with me as a remembrance. It's a fun fun fun day! Too bad I didn't have any friends to invite so I just invited my hubby's family. My sisters each have their set of friends while I have none. What can I say? All my friends are in far away places and it's such a big BOO! It would've been so much fun if my barkada's in Bacolod though but I can't cry over that, I'm just happy with how our 3-in-1 birthday turned out. It was a success and we're all very happy!

Here's a photo of my cute yet well appreciated birthday cake!

And here's a picture of our 3 cakes!

And here's a picture of me blowing my cake!

Triple Birthday Celebration on Nov. 17

2008-11-15T23:17:00.002+08:00

On November 17, 2008 there will be a children's party held at Lopue's East but it's a combination of Eila's, dad's and my birthday (November 18s and 20). Well, it's pretty much a children's party and dad and I are just included but it's obviously a birthday party for Eila. Hmph! LOL

Actually, they forgot about me. haha! It would be dad's 60th birthday and Eila's 1st birthday and both of them have the same birthday, November 18. They honestly forgot that I used to celebrate my birthday together with my dad 'coz I was born on the 20th. I'm kinda "tampo" that it's now Eila and daddy's birthday and not daddy and my birthday. :( Oh well... and now she's the princess of the house which used to be my position! :( Something tells me Eila's going to be my worst enemy (lol just kidding!)

Anyway, I would just want to share this very nice birthday video of Eila. She won't be receiving any gifts for her birthday but instead, she's asking for donations for a ministry for little kids like her who are not as blest as she is with a loving mom and dad. Eila is a spoiled baby and this is a great way of slowly teaching her the power of giving and helping those who are in need.

Enjoy watching the video!

My regular companion's back- Paranoia

2008-11-14T21:30:00.003+08:00

It's been two days since I got home and now, I am back to my old self. Well, at least I got a breather... for 6 days in total I had nothing to worry about and I just enjoyed my life not thinking about how to earn money and what the future holds for me. Now, I want to shout. I think I'm going crazy! I am so paranoid that I'm getting choked up by my own thoughts. I know I'm doing okay but this is just not enough. I need more, not 'coz I'm greedy (goodness!) but 'coz I feel so overwhelmed with what I need to do and with my responsibilities and future obligations. I'm going nuts!

Will I always be like this? Is there no cure for this? I just want to enjoy life the way normal people do. I envy those who are living in poverty and yet they are enjoying their lives and not worried about what lies ahead. How come I am not like that? Why can't I just be like that?

I am suffocating here! I need some air... lots of air.

Back to my world again

2008-11-13T22:38:00.002+08:00

Just got back from my 5-day vacation to Manila-Baguio. It was fun especially because it's filled with lots of bloopers and stories that will be told a thousand times and will never ever get boring. LOL!

I reserved a transient house in Baguio for us to stay in, thinking that the place was decent 'coz the photos seemed fine. When we saw the place, we were all stunned and disappointed. It was in a slummy area of Baguio and what we saw in the pictures was the same but, we never thought it would be "that" small. LOL! And it stinks and there were cockroaches. Well, of course we decided to ditch the place and found a new and much better place to stay in. We can't help but laugh at our experience and Alain's mom said we should never trust what we find from the internet and she cited this certain situation heehee! I won't tell what transient house that was 'coz the person in charge was really nice to us so I'll spare them the shame.

I met with Kym last Friday at Burger Avenue and we had fun. It's been around 1 1/2 years since I last saw her so this was a great reunion with her. She even gave me 2 bags of barako coffee from Figaro. Thanks sooo much Kym! :) I soooo appreciate it as in! Actually, she saw how happy I was when she gave the coffee to me. LOL! I was sad that day 'coz misiobe can't make it but then it was okay 'coz I understand her situation. I'm just so happy that she took the time to meet with me on my last day there and although our time together was rather short, but it's such a great bonus on my trip! I missed her a lot and I'm so happy to see her again. Kym and I and Jodie and I had our little talks and saved some memories together. Thanks to both of you for taking the time to spend with me. :)

I wasn't able to meet my friends Shang and Reena though but it's okay. Miss you both too and hope both of you are and will be happy with your lives.

----What did I learn from my short vacation?

I learned that I need to take away my stress in order to feel more alive

I learned that it's great to meet your friends (I wish I have more time and chance to do that though :( )

I now realize that I can't sleep because I always think about work and how to earn more money. Since the first day of my vacation, I was able to sleep soundly. (Yep, I snored a few times LOL! So? I was tired!)

I learned to be moooooore patient especially with "A"! Grr!!!

I realized that I want more vacations! hahaha!

I just had another bad dream

2008-11-07T01:07:00.003+08:00

Well, I'd be flying for Manila 5 hours from now and I was awakened by a text from my friend R asking me if I could still attend her wedding. I feel bad 'coz I can't :( Anyway, this post isn't about that but it's about the dream I had prior to her text.

I have a friend J and in my dream, I went to visit her place and it was like a huge dormitory with lots of people and it's just near a huge mall. After my visit with her, I went with Alain to the mall to meet up with my friend R and her boyfriend (just in my dream) named Luis. Luis is a rapper and he suddenly decided to rap about "Wonder Boy" (My oh my! I have the strangest dreams I tell you) and there came a fat guy with a Wonder Boy costume (You know wonder boy? It's that junk food I used to eat when I was a little kid, it's very delicious) Anyway, this wonder boy guy started dancing like a robot and my friend J came and she was wearing ice skates (What?!!). She was so mad and she screamed and yelled at Luis for singing a very ugly song. Luis got mad and tried to fight with J. R and I stopped both of them and I immediately asked R and Luis to go with us and we were about to go to Sta. Mesa Manila (what? that's where I stayed before during my reviewing days LOL) Anyway, while waiting for a Taxi, here is where the bad dream started. While waiting for the taxi, there was a procession of people. The first group was mostly women and they were all cursing everyone and they all looked very angry. They stared at me and cursed me and they all looked so angry. After them, the second group was even worse. They were all staring at me too and they were performing self-mutilation. The other one was standing and there were some men who are just pushing her to the procession and she's standing with her knees stapled to wooden rotating barbaric tool and she was in pain. She looked at me as if I was to be blamed for the pain. It was so weird and it was really scary :( Why were they looking at me like that and why such a negative energy? :( Why why why! :( Now I can't sleep. :(

...and nothing changed

2008-11-05T08:40:00.002+08:00

Well, I just suffered another horrible night without much sleep. That "mangluluya" just acted out as if she really felt something different and that I can now sleep well at night. Well, she was wrong and I will never ever go to a mangluluya ever again! These faith healers are pathetic! I never believed them and after my first and LAST experience with one, I will never ever believe them.

Update: I tried to sleep around 11 last night but up until 1:30 I was still tossing and turning and I just can't sleep. I still have lots to write today so I can't risk not getting some sleep so I still ended up taking my pill and I was able to sleep from around 2 to 8 yay!

The oddest and funniest moment of my life

2008-11-04T19:14:00.002+08:00

I just went to a "mangluluya" about an hour ago. When I saw this 82 year old woman I was already scared and I asked Aln to just let me go home but he insisted and so I was there, talking to this old lady, and she was telling me that I have a very light pulse and that means I have "nerbyos" which is actually true. LOL! She then started yawning several times and told me that I can't sleep for more than 2 weeks because I was indeed affected by some kind of entity. (what the? Are you f***ing serious?!!) LOL! Well, I am a skeptic. I don't believe in this crap and I was there just thinking to myself that this old lady got to be kidding me! Then she started massaging my back and I was in sooooo much pain. I kept shouting and I almost cried. So darn painful but when I checked how she was massaging me, it was actually very light. So, I think that's pretty ODD and after awhile she massaged the same areas at my back and chest and I couldn't feel anything anymore. Again, very ODD. She said I would be able to sleep now (sure???) and that I should keep the "luya" ginger with me for at least 3 days and that I am not allowed to bathe (what the hell?!!)

I somehow feel like I would rather have sleepless nights than not bathe for 3 f***ing days! This is a very strange experience for me LOL!

Strange though... but I'm actually very sleepy now and it's only 7:20 PM. nyek

I used to love bedtimes but now, I'm sleep-deprived...

2008-11-03T11:25:00.004+08:00

Been suffering from Insomnia for more than 2 weeks now and it's really such a drag. My mom-in-law told my hubby that he should take me to a "mangluluya" coz maybe I hurt an elementals and it's going back at me. LOL! Old people have very superstitious answers to everything, don't they? I can't sleep. There's no Hocus-Pocus reason why I can't. I just can't!

I am taking Melatonin-T right now and I'm so thankful for it. I stopped taking it after 3 great sleeping nights because I don't want to be dependent on the sleeping pills but I can't sleep well without it and sadly, I am back to taking it again. It's actually inexpensive, only P19.75 each!

Anyway, in just a few days I'd be heading to Manila again. It's been over a year since I last went there. I was supposed to attend my good friend's wedding but unfortunately, we can't. I don't have a car to drive from Makati to Alabang grr! But since we already bought our tickets and our number 1 reason for flying there has been cancelled, it's a good thing we have a back-up plan- a trip to Baguio. So on November 9, 2008 we'd already be in Baguio. The day before that we'd be going to Tarlac and Pampanga, 2 places I've never been before, so it's going to be fun too!

I am actually quite excited about it. Though Baguio isn't really all that but it's a great place to unwind and just have fun eating strawberries and jams. LOL! And yeah, I can meet with my friend Kym on Friday evening too so I hope that'd be fun as well. ;)

There's no problem too big for me

2008-10-27T10:08:00.002+08:00

I mentioned I can't sleep on my previous blog entry. Yeah, I am having sleeping problems lately but thank God for sleeping pills! Now, I feel so happy because I slept like I never slept for more than a week! I'm being cautioned not to be addicted to sleeping pills though 'coz it won't be good for me and if I'd overdose on it then I'd sleep forever. LOL! Why the hell would I overdose myself with sleeping pills? I just need one a night but after 3 pills I'd just skip it for awhile to see if I can sleep without its help anymore.

So people with insomnia, sleeping pills can do wonders in our lives!!! ;)

It's almost 3 am and I still can't sleep!

2008-10-24T02:42:00.002+08:00

I've been suffering from insomnia for more than a week now. My God! This is torture! I need my freakin' sleep! Does anybody know of a remedy? Should I drink another bottle of beer just to get a good night sleep? But I hate the taste of beer! :( Anybody have tequilla somewhere?

Such torture! And I have lots of deadlines by tomorrow. I just hope I won't end up getting sick but I can feel it coming. :( Anybody with a cure? Contact me ASAP! My life depends on it. Tsk Tsk!

Popular- The TV Show

2008-10-19T01:17:00.002+08:00

Well, I am quite stuck with the old TV series that I used to love back when I was in high school. Yep, I'm starting to feel what it's like to be getting a little older now. I remember how I used to tell my parents that they are so stuck in the 60's or 50's with the kinds of songs they want to listen but here I am, starting to feel the same. Guess I can't truly appreciate the kinds of shows being shown right now that I still look for the oldies but goodies shows that I watched religiously when I was still a teenager.

I LOOOVED watching Popular on Studio 23 before but for some reason they cut it off and the second season wasn't aired. Well, thanks to the internet, I now have my full 2 seasons of Popular the TV series on my PC and I watch it religiously. Oh my gosh! I feel like I can just die with pure bliss. I still find it so entertaining and it just makes me feel like a teenager who is a few pounds "underweight". Yep, "under" weight. LOL!

Anyway, since I'm up for a little recollection of my past, here's just some of the TV shows I used to watch back then. This is in order from my most favorite to the least.

1. Ally McBeal- who doesn't love Ally McBeal??? I still enjoy watching it on TV (replays) and I guess it's the next I'll download once I transferred all my videos on DVDs.

2. Dawson's Creek- Say what?!! Yup, I watched Dawson's Creek every Monday on Studio 23. It was just so addictive and I just can't allow myself to miss an episode!

3. Charmed- I still watch this on Velvet these days. I love Charmed but I stopped watching this when they cut off Prue. Guess she was really my favorite charmed one from the 3 although I know she have a not-so-good attitude in real life. I just love her character so much! Though I can more of relate to Phoebe than her. hihi!

4. Buffy the Vampire Slayer- Don't you just love to be like Buffy? So strong and so pretty and kicks vampires ass all the time and with that hot boyfriend to die for? This is such a great show and I am so glad they still show this on... err... forgot what that channel is... darn it, it's channel 41 in Bacolod so I only know it as "41" LOL!

5.The Simpsons- This was on RPN 9. I loved watching the Simpsons because I thought it was quite cool and funny. Now I think it's just way too violent and I really wouldn't allow my kids to watch it. I used to love it so much but I don't feel like watching it anymore.

6. Bubble Gang- I loved Bubble Gang when there were Gelli and Aiko on the cast. It was so much fun back then. One scene there that I really can't forget is when Aiko was crying and she said "ni-rape ako... ni-rape ako ng kalabaw... ni-rape ako ng kalabaw sa putikan" LOL!

Well, that's all I can think of right now. Gosh... I wish I could bring back those good old days again. Everything felt so simple back then. Don't we all just want to be stuck in our good ol' days sometimes?

Vid of KingKong and Frosty

2008-10-15T23:28:00.004+08:00

Just want to share this video. It's the most fun video I made with my two most lovely companion. Don't hate Alain for spanking KingKong. He was just playing with KingKong and not hurting him.

Hope you'd enjoy watching it as much as I do. :)

Note: No pug was hurt in the making of this video ;)

My kids- Kingkong and Frosty

I actually do talk to my dogs this way. They're my everyday companions so, I end up imagining they are actually really talking to me! LOL

My Addiction

2008-10-12T23:55:00.004+08:00

Blame this game for making my life more miserable! Yup! I'm so addicted to this game that even when I'm trying to meet my deadlines I still have to squeeze this in. I just have to play it over and over again. Maybe whoever made this game intends on making people crazy! Well, whoever you are, you are really successful in doing just that!

My life will never be the same! Just got to pass this on to you!

NewsFlash!!!

2008-10-12T00:00:00.002+08:00

Bad News- I started gaining back the weight I loss over the last how many months of dieting, swimming and daily walks. Stupid me! Just can't stop eating! Those yummy foods! How can I resist? :( This is really sad. So so sad.

Some facts about me

2008-10-02T23:12:00.002+08:00

Well, got nothing to post here so I thought of sharing some facts about me that only a few of my friends know about. ;) They are not in anyway jeopardizing my identity :D

1. I drink coffee- I can't live without coffee but I know too much of it is not healthy so I stick with 2 cups of coffee a day! If I don't get to drink coffee, I get headaches.

2. I like mugs- Perhaps this is because I drink coffee but since I don't know when, I already enjoyed collecting mugs. Unfortunately, I don't get to collect mugs anymore but mugs still fascinate me.

3. I sleep with my dogs- Yeah, my sheets ain't always clean but I'm happy when they sleep with me. I love them both so much but... if I am to choose, I love KingKong more. LOL! But of course I love Frosty a lot too!

4. I suffer from sleep paralysis- Yep, I do and sometimes it scares me 'coz it takes me more than a few minutes before I get to wake up and it gets pretty exhausting sometimes.

5. When I touch something cold, my hands start to hurt- It's Reynaud's disease or something but it's nothing serious really. My hands start to hurt and they turn white and very seldom they turn blue. I used to stay in the corner of the pool and hold my hands up because they hurt so much but after a minute or so, they don't hurt anymore.

6. I am actually not fond of gossips- I just don't care about gossips. We all have our lives to worry about so why the hell would I wanna talk about other people's lives?

7. I have weak knees- My patella are thin and sometimes they lock and twist. It's painful and it makes me paranoid when I walk or climb the stairs. Anyway, it's hereditary. My mom, 2 sisters and my nephews suffer from this as well. :( boo-hoo! Bad for us! :(

8. I discovered I'm actually quite good at shooting hoops- I used to be so scared of balls but because of desperation, I resorted into playing basketball. I love to play at the arcade because I get to beat most boys woohoo! ;)

9. I have no sense of direction- I shouldn't drive unless I have GPS (unfortunately we still don't have this here). I can't remember streets and places even if I get to go there more than a dozen times!

Lastly, I am kinda deaf. Yeah, it is so true! Sometimes I hear people speak but I don't understand the words. It's like they are talking really fast that I could hear them but couldn't understand what they are saying even though they are talking under normal speed. I always end up asking the person to repeat what he/she said so that I could hear properly and they gotta raise their voice a little.

Well, those are 10 facts about me that only a few friends know about me except for the first, 9th and 10th 'coz all my good friends know that already. LOL!

Survivor Philippines

2008-10-01T22:24:00.002+08:00

The Survivor Philippines show had been on air for a few weeks now and it's just my first time to have seen it. I was told by a friend of mine that the tribe's people are non-photogenic and they were not the showbiz type so I got curious and decided to watch the show. Surprisingly, I think otherwise. Well, yeah, they are not gorgeous-looking but I think GMA 7 were successful in finding contestants that looks normal yet they don't look bad on camera... except for one female castaway whose presence just makes me want to grab a knife and stab her to death even if I could only see her on my television screen. My gosh! Why did they even take Patani???!!! What's the sad story behind her application? I liked all the other castaways in terms of looks but just the first glimpse of this lady just made my stomach turn. Okay, that is a bit rude (or too rude) but I am just stating my own opinion. They decided to be on TV, right? So they should expect people to bombard them with their opinions as I am entitled with mine.

On the other hand, I think Patani fits the show quite well. She looks like a native of that island.

After All These Years by The Journey

2008-09-27T08:04:00.002+08:00

After browsing over YouTube, I saw a video of this song and I liked the song so much but I didn't like the video especially because they just recorded the song from an FM station. So, I downloaded the song and created my own version with it. I love the song so much that I even recommended it to be played on my mom and dad-in-laws during their 50th wedding anniversary and they all liked the song too! Hopefully they will really play it on their party on February. :)

As for me, I know I'm not old enough to say that I can relate to the song but, somehow I like to imagine myself with my husband 30, 40 or 50 years from now still holding hands and loving each other after all the years that we're together. :) *giggles!* It's just sooo romantic!

Anyway, here's the video I made for the song. It has lyrics so you could sing it while watching. Hope you like my vid. :)

---- Take a picture already---

2008-09-24T00:03:00.002+08:00

Just want to share this video of my 3 nephews in Canada. I'm particularly fond of Luis in this video. He's the one who said "take a picture already" hehe! It's soooo cute!!!

Miss them both! Haven't seen Francis yet. They are sooo gwapo (handsome), don't you think? ;)

And about me, well... I'm going throuh some difficulty lately. Gosh, it's too exhausting being me right now. Problems come from all sides and I'm getting too tired of defending myself. If only it would be okay to just leave everyone and be on my own for a lil while then it would be such a big help. *sigh*

Oh well... Life must go on. :) Life's tough but I know i'm tougher! hihi!

Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin???

2008-09-17T10:05:00.001+08:00

I just want to share this because it cracked me up bad! I love Saturday Night Live so much and this is by far the funniest opening act for SNL. Can you imagine Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton together? LOL!

Tina Fey was amazing and she looks just like Sarah Palin! Amy Poehler doesn't look exactly like Hillary Clinton but my gosh, her humor is outstanding!

Check this out and laugh your heart out!

Transparency's a Curse

2008-09-15T21:28:00.003+08:00

I am a very transparent person. When I feel bad, you'd know it. When I hate you, you'd know it. When I'm happy, angry, hurt or whatever, you'd definitely know it. Unfortunately, this is becoming a burden for me. How I wish I could just pretend that I am okay now despite the heavy burden I am carrying. Yes, I am burdened... I am in pain... again!

I never thought I would feel this kind of pain again over something that is sooo familiar to me. I know, once is enough and twice is just too much but does this mean I am acting stupid and still accept things even though they just feel so wrong? I have learned my lesson but gosh... this is just so hard. No matter what I'd do, I'd end up hurting somebody... either I'd end up hurting myself or end up hurting someone who loves and cares for me so deeply. I chose the former... can't hurt somebody I love with the kind of pain that will NEVER go away. I'd rather be the one to be burdened than cause such pain to somebody else. Gosh... but I can't hide my pain... no matter what I do... I try to pretend but my eyes say otherwise.

I wish things would just start to fall into place once more. Hope God will perform His little miracles once again and make things right again. Just like what people say, when it rains it pours... Mine on the other hand is not the kind of rain that people welcome into their lives. It's like having a hurricane Katrina plus some tsunamis and hundreds of crashing airplanes that leave thousands of people dead! OMG! So tragic! Whew!

It's just like yesterday

2008-09-07T22:52:00.004+08:00

Sometimes people just leave you without saying goodbye. It happened to me and somehow, it deeply wounded me and left a big hole in my heart. I never bothered to ask "why"... perhaps because of my pride and maybe perhaps because I just gave up. In fact, I believe it's both really and because of that, so much time had been wasted... and I guess we both felt the same way and for each day that goes by without us taking the effort to do something for us to reach the other, many supposed-to-be more memories were never given the chance to happen. Was it a waste of time? Or was it just meant to be so we could find better things and more good people into our lives? I believe it's the latter. I found good friends because I got no one to call my own. I broadened my horizon and let a few more people into my life. I have no regrets really and when I get to look back, I'm just so glad it happened. If it didn't, I wouldn't have made a few really good friends who I value so deeply as well. When I lost 1 friend, I earned a few. :)

But, I'm just thankful... especially now. Finally, that 'former' friend of mine is again my friend. I knew we just needed a talk but we just didn't take the effort to have that talk... not until recently. Guess everything that happened to me (especially with what happened to dad) made me forgive and forget (really, I can't remember the anger I felt for her anymore).

God is good. :) We should all praise Him.

Oh how I hate this!!!

2008-09-06T04:18:00.002+08:00

I worked so hard to lose a few pounds! Been months! MONTHS! And with just about 2 weeks of no daily walks and swimming, I gained back all the weight and inches once more! Why? Why?!!! GRRRRR!!!!!

Just want to share My dream

2008-09-02T22:45:00.002+08:00

I had one of those weird dreams again last night. It felt so real although it's obviously not real. Anyway, I just want to share it while it's still quite fresh in my mind.

I dreamt that Alain and I, together with my sisters were going on a trip... going where? I don't know but that's not important. Anyway, in my dream Alain suggested that we go to one of the cheap beaches here and I was so mad 'coz it's a black sand beach with nothing to see. When we went there, the water was clear but was a bit shallow. I got mad and I threw my shotgun (Yes I had a shotgun) in the water. Immediately after I threw the shotgun, the water level rose. We were in panic then I told Alain that I'm so sorry that I can't get my shotgun anymore 'coz the water level is so deep already. Then, the next scene was we were inside a shipping vessel. In there, there was an alien invasion. I was so scared because there are lots of aliens aboard the ship. Alain and I tried to escape and when we got out of the ship, I called my sister and she answered. She said they're already in Bacolod (my place) and we shouldn't worry about them. I was relieved because my sisters were safe but was scared because Alain and I are still not on safe land. There, we saw lots of robots. It's a robotic invasion! Aliens vs. robots! And Alain and I were just 2 of the many people stranded on that land. Since they were robots, we created our own robot and we hid inside the robot we just created so we won't get identified. Weird but on the wheels of our savior robot was a cat-like cartoon character. One robot tried to sniff his way from the wheels up... if it wasn't for our cartoon character hiding behind the robotic wheels, the robots would have spotted us hiding inside our own created robot! He saved us and... I woke up!

Whew! It was one great dream but it really got me scared. Just imagine, our planet invaded by aliens... and robots! Scary!

I'm home again

2008-08-29T13:39:00.004+08:00

It's been a tough week. I spent an entire week at our farm trying to learn how to run it. It is difficult and painstaking but we have to do it. Remarkably, I started liking the place and the people. Everyone welcomed us and treated us like family. It was a wonderful feeling although I was tired everyday.

It's hard to suddenly be these people's boss. I am not used to it and I find it difficult especially because I am not a people person. I exerted my effort to mingle with them but making commands is still something that I need to master. My uncle is there and our driver who worked for us for more than 15 years is there. How can I command these two who were babying me when I was little? I tried and I am still trying because I am now their new boss. Goodness, it's so hard! So so hard!

My husband and I are really hoping that we can make our farm grow and earn good revenue from it. We'll try our best, I believe it's God's will that we stay here.

Friendship needs TLC

2008-08-22T12:14:00.004+08:00

Went to Calea with Boo yesterday. Gosh... it's been like 2 years since Boo and I had a chance to get together and talk about anything. It felt as if we've never been apart though and we had a blast. We only had 1 1/2 hours to spend together so we packed it with laughter talking about our lives and about our friends. She can't believe when I flexed my arms. Woohoo! I have muscles! And she said I'm smaller than how I was when she last saw me. Woohoo!

It was fun. Geez, I miss having girlfriends. You see, all my friends have left Bacolod and I'm the only one who stayed. I missed Boo and I'm just so happy she was here. It's amazing that despite the distance and lack of time for each other, we still manage to nurture our friendship. I believe it's important to keep the friendship alive. You don't need to always keep in touch but when you do get to keep in touch, you nourish the friendship as much as you can so it would still be there no matter what. Unfortunately, I don't get to keep all my friends. I lost a lot of them and some did not even survive its first year. It's sad but that's just life. I don't believe in one-way friendships. It won't work so I would rather not waste more time with these people. I am happy with the friends that I have, friends that truly care about keeping the friendship alive.

I miss my girlfriends. Boo, Gucci, and Toy. Hihi! That's how we call them and they call me pre, short for kapre. LOL!

Just close your eyes... and fly!

2008-08-19T22:47:00.002+08:00

Dad's home now. We still watch over him as much as we can because we don't want anything bad to happen to him again. With what had transpired over the week, our lives have definitely changed. My plans have changed and I'm just amazed at how God answers our prayers. I asked Him to guide me and He did. He answered my question loud and clear. God doesn't want me to leave the country. Why? Perhaps because He wants me to handle our family's farm or perhaps He has other reasons why He doesn't want me to leave and He just used the farm to make me change my plans. I must say, God is really amazing.

I find it quite funny though. Many times in the past that my sisters have asked me to quickly process my papers for Canada, something has always happened that changed the plan. Now, when everything seems steady and no one thought I won't leave next year, here He goes again. Why doesn't God want me to leave? Do I still have unfinished business here or is He just protecting me? I don't know really but I'm happy to feel His presence in my life. He protects me from something that I can not decipher yet but I can really feel that He is protecting me or at least putting me where I should be. He definitely answers our prayers and when He answered it, you can not question it anymore.

I am happy to feel my God. I am happy to lift my life up to Him because I know when God is the one in control, you can never go wrong. I will not question Him for the things that have transpired but I will continually thank Him for the things that are happening. Yes, what happened to our family has pained us but I know there is always a reason for everything. We are still not out of the dark yet but I know we would recover. We still need to get some cash for my dad's operation but we lift it up to God. We know we can gather enough money for dad's operation... we just don't know where to get it!

What's the opposite saying for "when it rains, it pours"???

2008-08-12T21:56:00.002+08:00

We still remain hopeful despite what's happening right now. After dad's 2d-echo examination, we found out about the bad news. Dad needs a bypass surgery and it should be within 3 months. We need around P1,000,000 for this surgery and we don't have that amount of liquid asset. How can we sell a part of our property that quick? We only have our farm to sell. Who would even care to buy a few hectares of land especially at this time when farming doesn't seem to have hope???

Money is just money but a person's life is far more important. For now, I am just sad with what's going on. I can't believe this is for real. I wish everything's just a dream. Gosh... can't believe this is REALLY happening to us. Why? Why?!!! Why do we have to endure such pain? How long can we still hang on?

I need more prayers... For my dad and for my family.

---To my friends who continually send messages and show their compassion, thank you very much.

Do people even truly care?

2008-08-11T21:18:00.002+08:00

My dad was lucky he survived a heart attack. It opened our eyes to the reality before us. I was shocked and shaken with what happened. I never thought something like that can truly happen in real life. But it did... and despite it all, I still see God's loving hands protecting my dad from the Grim Reaper. I thank God for saving my dad's life but I am still scared... very scared. Hope he would really be okay. I will not feel okay until he's back home. Until then, I'd still continue to be anxious yet hopeful. I can't imagine life without my dad... and I don't want to imagine it. I'm afraid to even think of it.

With what happened to my dad, I ended up thinking... what if same thing would happen to me... will anyone even care? Or they won't even notice that I am gone? Oh how I hate the world! People would befriend you just because they need something from you. When they already got what they want, they'd leave you. Would they even care if you're at the brink of death? Sadly, I realize they won't. Only your loved ones and true friends would truly take the effort to reach you. Only those who are true would come and show how much they truly care about you.

I am shocked. I am amazed. Only a few people gave us comfort. Only a few people truly cared about us... About what we feel. I am shocked. Deeply shocked! At last, I finally see what is real and what is not. I hate to judge but... I know, if a friend is experiencing such a pain as I do, I would definitely exert an effort to give a little bit of comfort. But then, that is me. I can't expect people to do the same for me. I shouldn't expect them to do the same for me. It's a truth that is hard to accept. But unfortunately, it's what I have to learn to accept.

For those who exerted an effort to reach out and prayed for my family, I thank you deeply. Really, your prayers mean a lot to us especially during this crisis. We are in pain, I can not hide that. But your prayers and support helps us through. I just wish there are more of you but... I am happy with those who reached out and showed us true love.

To my friends who texted and emailed me, thank you very much. Unfortunately, there are just a handful of you who did but... I am thankful. And with this handful of people, some are truly unexpected. I'm amazed that some people truly care about us despite the lack of deep friendship. Thanks for having such a good heart and for showing us how you also care. Thank you thank you thank you!

I will not judge those people who didn't take the time to send us even just a simple text. We all live in a busy world so I understand. You may be "really" busy that you can't even show a little bit of compassion to others. I just hope that when it's time that you'd need that same compassion, others won't be as busy as you are. 'Coz then, you would realize how painful it is when people won't even stop doing what they're doing just to show you they care.

I would still continue to ask for even more prayers. Dad is still under observation and we still need to continually pray for him to get better. Please continue to pray for my dad. Please...

One day I will walk down that aisle.. and you'll be waiting for me with tears in your eyes

2008-08-01T23:35:00.009+08:00

I still wish for that day to come when I finally am ready to walk down that aisle and say our I do's in front of God and in front of the people that we love. That day will come and that's the day that I will celebrate. What we had is something special and I'm happy that everything's official but still, I yearn and I still dream for that day to come. I know, I would still be blessed and God won't allow me to settle for anything less. That day will come... When? I don't know. Next year? 3 years after? I can't really say but I know, deep down, that that day will come. I yearn and I still dream for that day to come.

For now, I am content. I am happy with what we have. It's a blessing. And I continually thank God for paving the way for us and for His continuous blessing that I can't thank Him enough. I found you, I loved you, we took a vow to love each other for all the days of our lives and for me, that is enough... for now. But someday, we would finally have the realization of our dream. I will wait for that day in all anticipation... It's the day that I can finally say, I am yours... and God is our witness and no one can ever separate us. Our souls would be united and even after death, no one can pull you away from me. You and me... as one soul.

"Finally"

MMMMMMMMMM

Ever since I was a baby girl I had a dream
Cinderella theme
Crazy as it seems
Always knew that deep inside that there would come that day
But I would have to wait
Make so many mistakes
I couldn't comprehend
As I watched it unfold
This classic story told I left it in the cold
Walking through an open door that led me back to you
Each one unlocking more of the truth

I finally stopped tripping on my youth
I finally got lost inside of you
I finally know that I needed to grow
And finally my mate has met my soul

[chorus]
Finally
Now my destiny can begin
Though we will have our differences
Something strange and new is happening
Finally
Now my life doesn't seem so bad
It's the best that I've ever had
Give my love to him finally

MMMMMMMM

I remember the beginning you already knew
I acted like a fool
Just trying to be cool
Fronting like it didn't matter
I just ran away
And on another phase
Was lost in my own space
Found what its like to hurt selfishly
Scared to give of me
Afraid to just believe
I was in a jealous, insecure, pathetic place
Stumbled through the mess that I have made

Finally got out of my own way
I've Finally started living for today
I finally know that I needed to grow
And finally my mate has met my soul

[chorus]
Finally
Now my destiny can begin
Though we will have a our differences
Something strange and new is happening
Finally
Now my life doesn't seem so bad
It's the best that I've ever had
Gave my love to him Finally

MMMMMMMM

Finally, Finally

Finally
Now my destiny can begin
Though we will have our differences
Something beautiful is happening, happening
Finally
Now my life doesn't seem so bad
It's the best that I've ever had
Give my love to him finally

Ohhhhhhh, Finally, Finally, finally

I realized...

2008-07-21T20:52:00.002+08:00

...that life is worth living not just for your own happiness but because your existence make such a difference in some people's lives.

...that everybody will die but not everyone has lived.

...that sometimes you just have to let your guards down and not always be in control of things.

...that it's not just your voice that needs to be heard... that you need to hear other people's voice too.

...that life is sooo much sweeter once shared with others.

...that trials do make you stronger.

...that I need to be with friends too and how I miss being with them.

...that I need to forgive a few people.

...that anger won't do you any good. It's best to let go of the hatred you keep in your heart.

...that there are many who loves and cares about me and remembers me everyday.

...that I am happy being me.

Need prayers for my friend

2008-07-19T08:25:00.002+08:00

A little prayer can definitely go a long way in times of trials and difficulties. Now, my kuya Onan needs to find a kidney donor and is in urgent need of one. If you happen to read my blog and is willing to help my good friend then please do contact me. I know it's a long shot but anything can happen. For everyone else, please, say a prayer for my Kuya Onan. Also, please pray for my best friend, mamy Shang, to be strong for her husband. This is a difficult time for them and combined prayers can really work wonders.

I'm tired.... so tired...

2008-07-16T20:59:00.005+08:00

For months I fought hard to keep myself happy. I know my condition and I know I shouldn't succumb to my inner devils. I fought hard, battling with this evil voice that's telling me to just give up and let everything go. I hate it... just a little push and I start breaking to pieces again. I hate this feeling but I know I should fight it. I shouldn't succumb to it once more.

I'm tired... tired of fighting. I want it to just take me and fly me away, away from the life I know and into a different realm surrounded with horned beasts and dark entities. I'm tired of keeping my glow and yet prolonging my agony. I'm tired, can't you see? I'm just so tired.

Can I just be happy without being selfish? Life is a sacrifice that's burdening me. I can't pretend... can't snap out of it... I wish I could just give in.

Is it too selfish of me to ask?

Be with the people who loves you or the people that you love

2008-07-11T20:30:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it to cling on and be with the people you love and not get the reciprocation you truly deserve. It's heartbreaking and rather foolish. Sometimes it seems to become a habit and you barely notice that you are actually pushing yourself too hard and when it's time for you to let go, no matter what you do, you just can't. It's really hard when you start getting used to being abused and being contented with nothing. But sometimes, enough is enough and you just have to let go... only just when your heart finally starts to let go. It's easy to say that you should let go but when your heart is not in harmony with your mind, you can't give up just yet. You hold on... without knowing if there's a point for all your sacrifices and for all your pain. You hold on because you still romanticize the situation and just can't handle the facts.

When, finally, your heart starts accepting the reality and you start to loosen your grip will you truly understand that you have wasted your time with people who are undeserving. There are people around you who deserved your love and time, but you are just too focused that you barely even notice they exist. Only when you start to let go can you see the true beauty of actually being loved and to finally get the reciprocation you truly deserve. It is only then that you start to realize that when you love someone, it's much more rewarding if that someone loves you back. Love is not a one-way thing and both should put an effort to keep one another... not just one.

Stop romanticizing... It won't do you any good. Deal with the facts and accept the truth that you have to finally let go.

Have you heard of Chris Cendana?

2008-07-10T20:16:00.004+08:00

I'm an instant fan of this guy. I love Jason Mraz's I'm yours song but I think this guy sang it well combined with happyslip's cup beat. :)

I hope you'd listen to this song over and over again as I did. I love the beat, I love how he sang it, I LOOOVE IT! Oh, and I love the reggae addition as well hihihi

Just want to share this on my blog 'coz I think it's pretty cool. ;)

And here's the version of happyslip! Don't you just LOOOOOVE happyslip? hihi

My day to day life

2008-07-10T10:27:00.005+08:00

I've been really focused about losing weight for a couple of months now and I am more determined now to shed off the excess pounds I gained over the last 4 years or so. I want to go back to my old self when heads still turn when I pass by (LOL) Nah! I just want to be healthier and slimmer.

My day starts at 4 am. We ready ourselves for the morning walk and we arrive at the lagoon around 5 am and for 40 minutes we just circle around the lagoon for an estimate of 3 kilometers or so. After that, it's either my boyfriend drives me home or I stay with him for breakfast then he drives me home around 9.

The venue for our morning walk

From 9 am I'd check my e-mails, chat a little then when my eyes are tired I go to sleep for an hour. When I wake up, it's either I'd have my lunch or I'd start writing articles for my clients. From around 12 noon to 5 pm I work. From 5 pm, I would eat my dinner then I start preparing for the night swimming and my boyfriend picks me up around 6-630 pm and we go to the nearest resort for 10-12 laps of swimming ( just about 500-600 meters). I go home around 8 or 9 then I check my e-mails again and chat a little then hit the sack around 10:30 to 11 pm.

The resort

As the usual cycle, I'd sleep from 11 to 4 am then my day starts all over again. It's kinda exhausting but I am enjoying it.

On the weekends or whenever we're both free, we go to the mall and we never fail to visit our favorite arcades to shoot some hoops. In world of fun, my highest points ever reached was about 320 or so and in quantum I got 125 points or so. I'm a girl but I can beat most boys in shooting hoops. I never thought I would ever play this type of game 'coz I'm demure and I hate to sweat but, since I need to lose weight then I started playing it and now I'm hooked!

Life's fun especially when you're active. It's funny 'coz I can't imagine myself being as fat as I was last year. I mean, I was overweight in my pictures but now I'm a bit smaller and started developing muscles. I hate the muscles though but I guess I just have to live with it... It's not masculine-like anyway so I can handle it. :)

I aim to reach 135 pounds by September. It's the right weight for my height so I'm aiming for that. I'm not that far away now though and I am positive I'll get there pretty soon. Wish me luck!

The Secret to Success is to Stay Positive

2008-07-06T16:41:00.002+08:00

I've been paranoid lately. The more I learn about the Canadian Embassy's rules for issuing of visa, the more nervous I get. I don't know for certain if they would approve my student visa application or not. Just the thought of it makes me nervous... probably because somehow, at the back of my head, I am also hoping to be denied. Weird, I know. Why apply in the first place if I'm having second thoughts... But the thing is, I know it's for the better but then I still feel like it's just too soon... Why force something to happen right away when you could just wait for it to happen? Do I still make sense? Nah...

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I am hoping to get an approved visa because it is for the better but then if I won't get approved, my life will still go on... A happier life at that. If I won't get approved, I could have a church wedding and I could invite my friends and family... all of them if I want to. If I won't get approved, I can start having kids and not wait until I graduate. If I won't get approved, I can still enjoy my life the way I am enjoying it now. IF I'd get approved, I'd start studying again... If I'd get approved, Alain would be happier. If I'd get approved, I'd be with my sisters and nephews in Canada. If I'd get approved, Gabgab would be happier.

*sigh* don't really know what I want. If I pray not to get approved, I'd be really selfish. I told them that at least we tried to apply, doesn't matter what the result would be. Denied or approved, it's what God is telling us to be the right thing. If God doesn't want us to leave, we'd get denied. If He thinks we should go, we'd be approved. It's that simple. Now, who are we to question His will?

Indian Nipple Song (english translation of Dilbar Dilbar)

2008-07-05T13:12:00.001+08:00

If you want a good laugh, better watch this vid. It's not the real translation of the Dilbar Dilbar Song sung by Susmita Sen (Miss Universe). Watch it and enjoy! :) I watched it and couldn't stop laughing... Now, the song is stuck in my head! How embarrassing. LOL

Trip to Bantayan, Cebu

2008-07-01T22:52:00.005+08:00

I went to Bantayan, Cebu together with Alain and his mom last week. It was a 6-day escapade that was bittersweet for me. Few days before that, Frank wrecked havoc on that small island and it caused such a devastation. When we went there, there were no electricity and water and the beach was not what I expected. It was horrible. At first, I already wanted to go home. Alain stood by me despite my tantrums and homesickness and that short 6-day trip became so memorable not because of the place, but because I shared those 6 days with him. We slept on the same room together with his mom. It was the first time I heard him snore and I had a hard time sleeping at first haha! It was memorable to say the least. Do I want to go back? No. But it was such a memorable experience for Alain and I and it's truly one of those that I'll cherish forever.
We still enjoyed the beach though especially when we went to Santa Fe. I looooove the white sand beach there, we stayed for the day at Ugtong beach resort. I miss swimming on the beach... been swimming almost every day in a pool but it's not as exciting as snorkelling on crystal clear water. I loved it there. Gosh, wish I could go back to Ugtong.
Well, I just want to share a few photos on our trip. :)

2008-06-19T21:28:00.003+08:00

My baby made it. Yes, after almost a week of crying, worrying about my little baby Frosty, now she is home. I'm so happy she made it. The vet thought Frosty won't make it and I can see it in their faces that they were also very happy that she is back to her old naughty and noisy self.

The thought of just putting her to sleep broke my heart. I can't ever make that decision. But, as my good friend Reena the super maldita told me, if there is no hope then it's the most humane choice. I'm glad I didn't have to make that decision as the vet told us that Frosty is fighting back and she is getting stronger by the day.

I can't explain how happy I was when she was brought to us. She looked so different... so pretty! She got a new hairdo... so cute! Alain was happy to see Frosty too and he was really happy to see that I am happy. Without Alain's help, I don't know if Frosty would have the chance to survive that ordeal. Thank you Alain. :)

Kingkong was really happy to see his little sister. She was not as happy as Kingkong was though. He kept biting her and trying to bite off her two-ears hairdo. Grr! He was kind of envious of Frosty... the same typical scenario that I enjoyed before Frosty got sick. Frosty wants to be the star while Kingkong IS the star. They both fight for my attention and I love that so much! haha!

It's a happy day for me. I got my little baby back... Too bad I have to give her to my friend Reena the maldita by February though... Oh well... haha!

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?

2008-06-16T23:02:00.003+08:00

This is a very powerful skit. Thanks to Tekla, she's the one who sent me the link to this video. At first I thought it was rather dull but then in the middle of the video I finally felt the message of the song. It moved me and I guess it moved all christians who also watched it. It's a great video that shows how God suffered to redeem us from sins.

Enjoy watching this video.

Lifehouse- Everything

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Feed the birds, tuppence a bag

2008-06-12T23:19:00.004+08:00

It's a sad song... I was supposed to write something here about that song but suddenly, my sister came in my room crying, I ran down and saw her dog snowy just died. I felt bad for her. She's so sad and I can't do much to help her. I feel bad for the little chihuahua... seeing a dog dead isn't pretty. I hugged the doggy and tried to close her eyes. I listened to her heart and it already stopped beating. I feel bad... And I gotta post this song here too. *sigh*

Early each day to the steps of Saint Paul's
The little old bird woman comes
In her own special way to the people she call,
"Come, buy my bags full of crumbs;
Come feed the little birds,
Show them you care
And you'll be glad if you do
Their young ones are hungry
Their nests are so bare
All it takes is tuppence from you
Feed the birds, tuppence a bag
Tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag
Feed the birds," that's what she cries
While overhead, her birds fill the skies

All around the cathedral the saints and apostles
Look down as she sells her wares
Although you can't see it, You know they are smiling
Each time someone shows that he cares
Though her words are simple and few
Listen, listen, she's calling to you
"Feed the birds, tuppence a bag
Tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag"

Another Nightmare of the Past Lurked its Ugly Head

2008-06-08T17:28:00.002+08:00

I've had lots of bad experiences in the past that I wish to just forget and I've been really trying my best to forget them as much as I can but sometimes, no matter how hard you try, the feelings come back as if it just happened moments ago and not many years ago.

It came to me while I was half-asleep at around 2 in the afternoon. It was scorching hot outside and I was exhausted from the morning swim so I decided to just sleep in my room with the airconditioning turned to its lowest temperature. I wasn't really asleep then and I felt like I was in some sort of trance and it led me back to that moment in my life... felt so real... felt like I was reliving that moment again. I opened my eyes and my heart started pumping fast and the first thing I thought of was to get out of the house because I felt like I couldn't breathe. The problem is, I have nowhere to go so I knew I just had to snap out of it. I did... somehow I was able to. But it just pisses me off that my mind's not being too friendly with me. I wonder why I got the sudden flashback that felt so real and it seems as if I could feel everything although I know everything's just a flash from my memory.

I try my hardest not to get depressed because I know it's too hard to snap out of it once I'm in my dark room again. Everyday is a challenge for me but I am happy to say that I am able to cope from sudden triggers such as this. I guess it's because of my will to stay as sane as possible that's why I get to fight it away.

I just thank God that despite everything, I have no anger in my heart anymore. It's so hard to forgive and it took me years to finally say that I forgave those people who have hurt me in the past. It feels good to live without any grudges. It's hard to give up the anger but once you do, life feels so much lighter.

---- It was just a flashback of my past. It felt horrible and so consuming but I am still grateful that it's all over now. :)

In Any Battle There Is No Winner...

2008-06-03T23:29:00.002+08:00

Am I the only one who noticed this? People fight to win but in the end nobody really wins. In the process of fighting, we get to lose something so important but we just don't know how important they are in our lives. We're so focused to reach our goal, to get the award and beat our opponent that we blindedly don't realize we already have lost so much.

There really is no winner and what seems to you as a victory is really not. A pat at the back feels good after a job well done but how sweet is your victory if you have stepped on other people and put them to their misery? How good does it feel to be compared and get the recognition while the other gets all the humiliation? Is it all that worth it? Is it really what life is for? To win?

Sometimes being categorized as "good" or the protagonist while your enemy or rival as the "bad" or antagonists doesn't really make you a good person at all. It's just a name, a category or whatever you'd call it to separate you from the other. Does it mean that when you're bad then that is your role and when you're good you stick to that role? Can't both mix? Can't both dwell together? Is life all about seggregation of oneself to others not like you? Can't all just get along and make a name for everyone so everyone could just feel like they belong?

Sometimes an applause doesn't really make you feel good but buries you even deeper to more pain and more suffering. Am I the only one who noticed this? Am I the only one who feels this?

Nothing comes cheap anymore...

2008-05-27T23:06:00.002+08:00

The prices of commodities are rising like never before and everyone’s left with less money to spare as savings. With the way things are going with my country now, I wonder what 5 years would be like… 10… 15… With this belt-tightening times, will the Filipinos ever survive?

Sure the wealthy can afford but even so everybody can feel the effects of inflation. What could be the cost of all these? Fuel price increase? China’s domination? Government manipulation? Or All of the above? I believe all these have made their impact to the country’s crisis and what can Juan de la Cruz do about it? I must say, we should all depend on ourselves to earn more and not wait for the government to help us out. Come on now, should you still be expecting that?

I find it pathetic that people rally on the streets demanding for wage increase or for “patalsikin si Gloria, or whoever” just because there is a problem. Stop doing the blame game now and start dealing with your problems starting with yourself! I find it pathetic that people are not contented with the government because the president promised to bring food on their table. Come on now! People, if you won’t work you won’t have anything. If you’re lazy, go eat scraps!

At this belt-tightening times, what Filipinos should do is to learn to save their money and resources and work even harder. Instead of pointing fingers, we should hold hands and help one another so we could all survive these trying times. It’s unity that we need and not pointing the gun to who is guilty. All of us are guilty. It’s not just the government’s fault. Heck, you’re the ones who voted for these people anyway. You let them buy your votes so you get what you deserve.

Anyway… Just want to voice out about the Meralco issue right now. All I can say is the government should just keep their mouth shut and leave Meralco alone. If the government takes hold of Meralco, just imagine how much they would end up charging the people. Let’s face it, they’re very manipulative.

Also, about the RCBC killings… It’s pathetic that our police would kill these “suspects” and say that there was a shootout when in fact those poor people didn’t have the chance to defend themselves. Why protect your own people? No robbery gang would have the guts to kill those employees point blank. Only the military and people who know they can get out of the situation CAN!

I hate watching the news. I just get depressed. LOL

Pagsubok

2008-05-26T17:56:00.003+08:00

Just want to share this song.. it's old but I still love it. Love listening to it when I feel down and burdened.

Isip mo’y litung-lito
Sa mga panahong nais mong maaliw
Bakit ba ang bumabalakid
Ay ang ‘yong mundong ginagalawan

Ang buhay ay sadyang ganyan
Suliranin ‘di mapigilan
Itanim mo lang sa iyong puso
Kaya mo ‘yan

CHORUS
Pagkabigo’t alinlangan
Gumugulo sa isipan (’wag mong isuko)
Mga pagsubok lamang ‘yan (at ‘yong labanan)
‘Wag mong itigil ang laban
‘Wag mong isuko at ‘yong labanan

Huwag mong isiping ikaw lamang
Ang may madilim na kapalaran
Ika’y hindi tatalikuran
Ng ating Ama na S’yang lumikha

Hindi lang ikaw ang nagdurusa
At hindi lang ikaw ang lumuluha
Pasakit mo’y may katapusan
Kaya mo ‘yan

[Repeat CHORUS]

I'm so scared of the Oompa Loompas

2008-05-22T00:07:00.011+08:00

I love the Chocolate Factory so much. As a young kid, for me it was heaven. I thought the Chocolate Factory really existed filled with all those yummy candies and with that delicious chocolate milk river that I wish is for real. It's candy heaven and watching the movie brings me back to my childhood. Unfortunately, one thing I hate about the movie are those scary oompa loompas. The classic movie had scary oompa loompas and the remake is even worse! They're hideous to the nth level and they never fail to freak me out. I can't even stare at them 'coz I'm afraid I'd have nightmares! So scary! Especially the oompa loompas from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (the remake)

Am I the only one who fears these little beings? I have nothing against midgets though and I am not a midget-hater. I just hate those oompa loompas. If without them, I'd watch Willy Wonka and the chocolate Factory and the Charlie and the chocolate factory over and over again. They ruined the movie for me! :( So scary! So so scary!

If you have no idea what they look like, check these links. (I won't post their pix here, I don't want to freak out every time I view my own blog!)

from the classic movie

from the remake- even scarier!:(

My niece had a pictorial

2008-05-16T15:27:00.001+08:00

Our cute niece is growing up so fast. I can't believe how cute she's turning out to be. :)

My First Post

2008-05-16T10:41:00.004+08:00

Let us all pray for the lives lost during the Myanmar cyclone and the China earthquake where thousands of people died. Let's help the victims by donating even just a few dollars through the many registered sites (including paypal) that accepts donations or send money directly to your country's representatives.

Let's all pray that these things won't happen again although we know it's really up to God's will. He has plans and when things can not be controlled, we have nothing else to do but lift it up to Him.

These are natural occurrences and are really inevitable. Hope new technology can help prompt us beforehand so fewer lives (if not zero) would be lost. For now, we just have to pray and help those who lost their family and many loved ones in Myanmar and China.